I feel a heavy, collective shame.
I feel stuck, trapped even, between not knowing what to say or what to do and simultaneously knowing that I can’t not speak, can’t not act. My privilege feels visceral – like a creeping flu that I know is in my system and will, undoubtedly, make itself manifest; already has. I can do all the right things: get extra sleep, down the Vitamin C, but it’s inevitable: I won’t be able to hold it off forever. Likewise, I can do all the right things: speak out, go to vigils, write my congress-people, sign petitions, give money, write strong and opinion-full blog posts, but it’s inevitable: I can hold it off forever. I can stay in my house and appreciate its comfort and feel safe and be grateful for healthcare and a steady paycheck and my freshly-mowed lawn and both my own and my daughters’ education, and change nothing.
Maybe it’s something to say so. Maybe it’s something to see and notice and name. Maybe it matters to acknowledge the shame, the stuck-ness, the viral-privilege that inhabits my cells whether I want it to, or not. Maybe it matters: my writing, my voice, my words, my persistence, my presence, my heart.
I don’t know.
But I do care – and deeply.
Even though it doesn’t feel like enough.
Because it isn’t enough. It just isn’t. And I’m so, so sorry.