I had a fabulous conversation with Victoria yesterday. We talked of many things – in common and disparate; but as is wont to happen in most fabulous conversation among women, far more of the former. She told me of the upcoming retreat she’s leading this summer that includes a one-day vision quest. She was quick to point out that it wasn’t an overnight-live-at nature’s-mercy kind of thing. Still, I’m willing to admit that my first (internal) response was total and utter fear.
A vision quest? Time alone? You mean with myself? The thought made me more than cringe. It illicited a strong, potent reaction.
As much as I’d like to ignore it, I know myself well enough to pay attention to this kind of an unmistakable visceral response. I know there is another question begging to be asked.
I delayed answering for over 24 hours. But earlier today, while alone in the car for an uninterrupted 90 minutes, I let myself ask and answer the question:
What are you afraid of, Ronna?
- Silence
- Being unseen
- No response
- Being alone
- Being unpaid
- Shame
I am not happy with this list. But that’s not really the point, is it? This is what spontaneously came as I drove. (Yes, I admit it: I wrote it down while I was driving. Clearly my fear doesn’t extend to life and limb.) These are my first thoughts – not second or third; not edited or censored. And, now that I see them—even knowing you will as well—I feel (a little bit) less afraid.
Deep breath. Let’s take ‘em one at a time:
Silence. There was a time, for sure, when this was the most terrifying thing for me to consider. It meant that something was wrong, that someone was angry, that misunderstanding was rife.
That may still be true, but I can now (mostly) hold on to myself in silence. Presence and absence can coexist. Breathing can ensue. Thoughts and emotions can dance freely without restraint of incessant words. And even if its uncomfortable – for me or for you – I can allow it. I don’t need to be afraid.
Being unseen. This was a predominant experience (at least perceived) in adolescence, for sure, but clear through my 30s. Whether completely accurate, or not, I felt invisible, insecure, insignificant. And ironically, these emotions existed in nearly opposite realities. I was (and am) a leader. I was (and am) enjoyed. I was (and am) worthwhile. Still, something deep within could not align the internal and external. Still, the voice lingers.
That was then, not now. Now I let myself be seen; and even more, heard. Doing so is not dependent on another’s response (or even lack thereof). I don’t need to be afraid. (And she repeats the mantra: I don’t need to be afraid. I don’t need to be afraid. I don’t need to be afraid. Where are those damn ruby slippers?)
No response. I’m not entirely sure where this comes from, though I know something deeply seeded within me is afraid that if I write, if I speak, if I tell my truth that it will be met with silence (oooh, there’s the first one) or being misunderstood (oooh, there’s a close kin to the second one).
I want my words to illicit response, to invite conversation, to inculcate hope and passion and life. The idea that I would write, speak, and tell my truth and not receive response, I can now see, is faulty; though clearly, still resonant. It is old. It is no longer real. I don’t need to be afraid. (And the Cowardly Lion comes to mind.)
Alone. I know where this one comes from. I am alone! That’s not even remotely true, of course. I’m surrounded by so many people who love and support me, by my family, by my daughters. But this has to do with that other kind of love. I want the whole deal: the romance, the laughter, the serious and intense conversations, even the fights. I want the proximity, the collaboration, the shared coffee. I want the passion, the angst, the understanding, the compassion. I want the companion, the movie-goer, the yard-worker, and oh – the passenger seat!
I may remain alone. That is yet to be seen. But ahhh, when I stop for even a moment to think of it? The beauty of this life I live as an independent, unconstrained, no-longer-silenced-and-bound woman! I have often said that I would choose no relationship over an unhealthy and painful one. That does remain true. I was afraid of being alone when I was in relationship. I know better. I don’t need to be afraid. (I have a heart, Tin Man.)
Unpaid. I know where this comes from, as well. I am in high-anxiety over money these days. 15 months without fulltime work. More than fulltime effort expended on developing a business, doing contract work, eating up retirement monies, and scraping together a mortgage payment. When I add this to my (now unfounded) fear of “no response” and “alone,” it’s easy to become nearly paralyzed.
To work through this and get out of my own head (and fear), I had a 10-card Celtic Cross reading done by the amazing Tarot Mama. She saw my fears in spades; well, mostly in Pentacles. Her words: “…your fears are what stand in your way on your path to financial freedom and abundance.” “Absolutely you can trust in what you are creating and building to support you! As I was shuffling the cards for this question, I heard the words, ‘Her fear is in the way. Tell her to get out of her own way and allow abundance into her life and being.’” I need to get out of my own way and realize that I don’t need to be afraid.
Shame. Of all the words, this one throws me for the biggest loop and packs the biggest punch. Not surprisingly, it’s what I spoke and wrote last. I’ll be honest: I don’t know what to do with it. It carries tremendous freight. When I read it on this page, I can feel its bulldozer-like presence in my life; primarily past, but still hovering and haunting in the present. It’s dark and heavy and nearly asphyxiating.
This is most definitely tied up in places of religion, of patriarchy, of dogma; places in which I no longer place power – or authority. Still, they’ve left a stain. I need it scrubbed away. I don’t want to be afraid of it. I don’t need to be afraid. (Not entirely convinced, but trying…)
Is it true that when we name our fears, their power diminishes? I’ve just named them. I’ve even hit “publish.” (I think…)
I can let them go.
But will I?
Were I to attend Victoria’s retreat and take part in a vision quest, I’m quite sure I’d be given ample opportunity to find out. Victoria says this about these 6 days in wilderness beauty:
…discover and converse with your Authentic self within. She is the one who moves easily from her own inner knowing of what truly matters to living that vision in the world. This gives her a powerful presence – magnetism that enables her to stay centered and grounded between earth and sky, regardless of the winds of culture pushing their agenda.
This woman is not afraid. (Doesn’t she remind you of Glinda, the Good Witch? I know…way too many Wizard of Oz references. Even better, Elphaba, Defying Gravity in Wicked.)
Whether I go or not (on a vision quest or to the Emerald City), this post, this exercise, this time in thought and reflection has afforded me something of great value and worth. Rather than ignoring the question – and the fear – I need not be silent. I can let myself be seen. I am not alone. I paid July’s mortgage. And I am not ashamed.
Definitely worthy of Friday’s champagne.
All this said, I cannot begin to express how hard it is for me to hit “publish” on this post. If you’re reading this, clearly I have. Still….
Maybe I’ll pour the champagne first and then decide.
Learn more about Victoria and True Life Coaching, as well as her Summer Retreat: Quest for Your True Life – Embracing Change with an Open Heart.
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Fears stand in the way of most people as they struggle to succeed. We all know it but we all still fear things or people or ideas. We all need to set the fear aside and live! Let’s stand together and leave the fear somewhere where we are not.
Nicki´s last [type] ..Do You Eat Meat
“Let’s leave the fear somewhere where we are not.” LOVE THIS, Nicki! Thank you!!
And I am so glad you did…..
Mmmmm. Thank you, Renae.
BTW – I just saw Wicked for the first time last Sunday. And I just read your 2009 post about Defying Gravity. All of that, and all you wrote, resonate so much. It may simply be my projection onto your own fears, but the shame feels the heaviest. But being seen and getting response and balancing the aloneness and silence with community seems to be a powerful enough antidote to begin the cleansing – at least for me… and because my shame is wrapped up in so many of the same things you mention – your presence in my community has had that effect for me. I don’t know if it helps alleviate the fear at all – but you ARE making a difference.
Renae C´s last [type] ..July I Believe Challenge – Day 2- Anger
So grateful for your words – and presence, Renae. I’ve seen Wicked twice and will go again every chance I get. LOVE IT! So much packed into that story – the juxtaposition of good/wicked, etc. Fabulous.
Yes, the shame feels the heaviest for me, too – but still unnameable. The others I can parse out a bit better, but this one carries a weight with it that is extremely heavy and vague. More work to be done there, for sure. AND…the knowledge of others’ support and yellow-brick-road companionship makes all the difference. Thank you.
I am right there with you in so many ways. A dear friend led me through a couple of EFT tapping sessions this week. Fear, embarrassment, rejection, anger, not enough…..all showed up over and over. Truck loads of crap from the past. It’s time to move those right on out. I don’t have time or space to continue feeding these little pets (or maybe pests is a better word). They are getting in my way. When we (you, me, and the rest of this posse) get this, and I did say WHEN, we are going to totally rock this world like no one has ever seen before.
I’m so with you, Angie. And tapping? I’ve had that done! Once. SO wild! Are you learning to do that? Wow…the stuff it uncovers! All good. All hidden. All “pests” that need to be sent somewhere far, far away!!!
Conversations with ourselves. I have them frequently. Maybe if I list my fears (in print instead of just in my head) I will be able to let them go. Your bold writing amazes me. I’m turning 28 this month. I feel I don’t have a right to claim my thoughts and fears yet, as though they will only show weakness since I have not yet proven myself as an adult. This kills me. I have so many thoughts that I monitor for fear of ‘exposure’ and online ‘reputation.’ I used to use the internet and blogging as a place to voice myself anonymously. But now we are all branded, and trackable, and linked. There is no anonymity anymore.
How can I learn that my thoughts, fears, desires ARE valid? I seek happiness, and I know I must find it in me. Instead, I find misery. Sadness, Disappointment, Failure. This is all familiar as well, as my Dad (who I love dearly!) has always been too hard on himself. I fear I will never be able to find happiness and peace in my heart. I’ve been taught to long for the next thing. Reveling in what’s been done is a waste of time. So imagine when NOTHING has happened for 2 years since I finally graduated college. I’m melting into myself, and not in a good way. I feel so lost, and unworthy as a young adult (not so young) who has yet to prove herself. I feel that only then can I allow myself to think and speak freely. It’s a paralyzing situation I’m in.
Sera: First, I’m honored by your honest and vulnerable words. Few have the courage or wherewithal to name so clearly what they are feeling and experiencing. Second, though I don’t know all the specifics of your situation or your struggles, I feel them – and remember them – and still sit with many of them myself. It’s a long process: this validating of our own desires (and fears); finding happiness within (vs. exclusively within another); balancing good self-reflective work with the temptation and ache of “melting into ourselves.” I say all this to validate that you are not alone in these places; that on some level they are what all of us, particularly as women, journey through as we come to know ourselves. You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. You’re thoughts, fears, and desires ARE valid. And, as I said a few lines ago, even naming them – as you have so powerfully done – validates your voice, your heart, your truest self. Third, (and where I ache the most) I wish there was some magic pill or quick/easy answer I could give you that would make sense of everything; that would “fix,” that would heal. I looked for that for YEARS myself and eventually came to find that my incessant search for such was, in many ways, the problem. I eventually, s-l-o-w-l-y began to learn that the voice I heard within was worth hearing – speaking – following. I tested it out in fits and starts. I faltered. I fell. I got back up. And over time, I learned to trust. And simultaneously, to move, to step, to try, to name, to speak…even in fear.
Finally, let me say again how honored I am that you are here, that something I have said touches you, and that conversation can continue. It makes all the difference – relationship, normalizing of experiences, and knowing we’re not alone.
Hmmm. Balance. I think I forget the need to balance out the healthy self-reflective worth. Oftentimes I’m ridden with guilt when I do attempt to go ‘elsewhere,’ telling myself again and again, ‘you don’t deserve to be doing this; you have so many more important things you could be doing.’ I told myself this in school, too. I need to UNLEARN these words!
The one solid base that I have is my core. I know the strength of it, which also gives me strength to speak up, to reach out.
I think it is trust I need to re-learn. Trusting the process. I want to, but sometimes can’t tell the difference between ‘giving up’ on what’s going on now vs. moving on.
The way you speak your words are so familiar to me, I can sense there is nothing but honesty and strength behind them. Thank you so much for your response!
Always a journey, Sera. Just when we think we’ve made strides forward (which we do) then we realize there is further to go. The good news is that we become more and more clear on the distance we’ve already traveled – and that makes all the difference.
Yes, much tension between giving up and moving on. I’ve sat in that space for years at a time – unclear, indecisive, suffering. And in those same spaces I’ve learned a lot about me: the choices I make, the ones I’m afraid to make, where I default, where I need to grow. I’m not sure I could have been ready to “move on” without having felt stuck. It was the very impetus that (eventually) enabled me to move.
Two final things (for now): 1) Yes…trust. A small word that is loaded. And my advice? Consider again and again what it looks like/feels like for you to trust yourself. 2) Thank you for your kind words re: my own – “honesty and strength.” HUGE compliments. I’m honored.
More conversation to come, no doubt.
Ronna – I love this post! It is brave. It is authentic. It is you. Naming these truths about your fears, is a huge step to moving you down the path you are destined for.
Thank you, my friend – for your comment and for so patiently, graciously, endlessly listening.
Ronna,
I love how you walked through this with such awareness. Aware of your fears, aware of what is under them, aware of who and what you really are. You are so on the right path, and so powerfully showing us all what it is to be woman…in your beautifully powerful way.
Blessings to you, dear lady.
Julie Daley´s last [type] ..The more truth- the more love
Mmmm, thank you, Julie. As always, your voice in the midst is a strong and winsome companion.
WOW Ronna! I’ve been away from the computer since we talked yesterday and I’m so blown away by your thoughtful and deeply truthful post, and all the conversation it’s illicted! Wow again!! Did I say ‘I love it’ yet???! I LOVE IT – and knew Spirit had drew us together for a purpose greater than I even knew.
OK where to begin? First, of course, with Wicked
One year ago today exactly, I saw the show in NYC with my mom. As a dancer/actress, I adored it. But even beyond the show, when I read the book by Gregory McGuire, I was fascinated how he was able to change my life-long perspective on the Witch of the West (Elphaba) so completely! It was such a huge reminder of how our perspectives determine and reveal our inner lives. If we can let go of past perceptions, perspectives we created by necessity to survive, then our True Lives await us.
Just a couple comments on your list above:
Silence: When I can sit with myself and just accept me, there is a peace that rarely shows up anywhere else. The Sufi poet Rumi has a wonderful poem about welcoming our life, whatever it brings, as a guest to our house – with kindness and compassion and curiosity. This helps me face some of the demons that might appear while being silent. So many stories are around us that teach we must take the leap off the cliff… walk into the fire (greatest pain) – that it’s the only true road that leads us home.
Being Seen: Again, who will see us first? We do actually! When I’m clear that that’s true, I act first for myself… according to who I truly am. I find practicing this gives me the joy of alignment — another way of saying Harmony. The place where I accept me first, which in turn makes it easier for others to also. While we all need acknowledgment, if we leave our self out of the equation, I find being seen just by others rings a little hollow in my soul.
Shame: This one touches me so much. It’s one of the greatest dampeners to our natural Joy I know. When I feel it, I contract, and everything – physical/emotion/mental/spiritual – in my life gets smaller and smaller. To link to your Wicked references — it’s the manifestation of “Help, I’m melting!” On the verve of disappearing. We all need to support each other in transforming this wasted energy into hope and creativity and love and belief in real joy from our we are. That’s why I offer retreats where the greatest Teacher is Nature. I can only tell you how powerful it’s been in my life – all my truest, most direct knowings come to me when I hang out there. And culturally, we’re just not supported to take the time to just BE in nature. The male dominated culture does just that to our trees/gardens/oceans (BP!) and air. So it’s part of my Call, my Stand – to keep inviting women to return to themselves with the abundant embrace of Mother Earth. She is our greatest lover – the one who listens, accepts and invites us to be our creative selves. We can trust her to hold us, as we each take a Stand for our greatest joy.
Well, like you, it’s a bit daunting, to read your blog and then the wonderful comments of your readers, and then post my improv here, but hey, it’s the beginning of a new journey with you and I think ‘leaping off the cliff’ is definately called for, don’t you? Thank you for all your eloquent and honest sharing and including me in this juicy circle!
p.s. there is a room – a delicious one with sunflowers on a Colorado blue background – waiting for you if your heart says yes to a summer retreat with a 1 day vision quest!
Anything I would say at this point, other than “thank you” would be superfluous, Victoria. So thank you. And the room sounds lovely.
Even if I’m not there in person, I will imagine it – and know much rest.
OK. One more thing: Yes…leaping off the cliff – and defying gravity at the same time!
Ronna,
You are such a brave, wise, and powerful woman. Your courage inspires us all! I’m so grateful that you allowed me to work with you. So glad you found encouragement in your 10 card Celtic Cross reading.
Bright Blessings,
Tren
Tren´s last [type] ..Winner- Three Card Intuitive Tarot Reading
Thank you, Tren – for these words and for your intuitive kindness, wisdom, and grace. SO much for me to ponder in what you’ve uncovered and invited. I’m grateful.
Hi Ronna… Thanks for those 6 reminder taps on my shoulder to remind me that I am not alone.
You’re more than welcome. Thanks for being here.
Funny isn’t it how the conversations we have with others illicit just as powerful conversations with ourselves. Reading through your post here and the following conversation in the comments has filled me with a sense of recognition and connection, maybe even as much as validation for the same conversations I have with myself. The best we can do I think is to notice those feelings that the words we share bring to light and allow them space to inform our decisions and empower us to evolve. Thank you for being brave enough to share (or was it the champers?!).
Always,
Zoe : ) xx
Thank you, Zoe – for being here, for sharing your own experience of my and others’ words, for stepping into the conversation. And no, it wasn’t the champagne.
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