I was doing a bit of wandering through my own blog this evening. Potentially narcissistic, I realize, but also incredibly instructive. As I look at nearly six years of posts I am struck by how much my writing has changed, how much my life has changed, how much I have changed.
I came across one post in which I reflected on an article by Ellen Tien entitled, Just Say What You Want, Dammit!
Her words:
Pure Want is the essence of living. It’s the human condition, the slender quill that pricks the sectors of the soul, stimulating yearning or envy, desire or desperation.
Do we even allow ourselves to know what we want?
Keep trying. Freedom to want is power steering, your trump card. It’s what enables us to scan new constellations, fall in love or resolve to leave, find our way home. What you want isn’t merely what you get. It’s where you’ll be. It’s who you’ll be.
My words:
…I can feel the part of me that says I don’t really deserve to want what I want – and that I can’t actually expect to get what I want – or that somehow my wants are all-consuming; that I’m too ravenous, too hungry. Why am I so quick to sublimate my wants, to tone them down, to keep them manageable, safe, and not-so-big-that-I’ll-be-disappointed?
Oooh, how strong the voice of my internal critic was. How violently I fought with my own desire, my own truth, my very voice. My wants felt too big, too overwhelming, too much.
Not any more.
I still want. No doubt about that. But no longer do I second guess. Now I know, acknowledge, and welcome my want. It’s BIG and I’m fine with it. It’s not even close to overwhelming. And it’s never too much. No more “I don’t deserve.” No more sublimation. No more manageable, safe, and not-so-big.
Does the potential still exist for disappointment. Of course. But I’m not afraid. If it comes, I can handle it.
Who am I kidding? It has come. Repeatedly. And it hasn’t destroyed me — or my wants.
My wants have led me to me. A rocky path, for sure, but one I’d traverse again and again for the benefit of sitting on the other side, looking back, and seeing the famine of then compared to the feast of now.
A feast of wanting more. The plenty that exists in known, acknowledged, and welcomed want. Paradoxical, perhaps; but no less true; narcissism, notwithstanding.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Again I don’t read your blog for weeks, maybe even months, then something leads me here and you light the blue touch paper of a firework showering my mind with a burst of colour and inspiration.
Thanks as always
Paddy´s last [type] ..Things I believe
Wow. You’re more than welcome! Thank you!!!
Good thoughts! I’ve been giving myself a personal gift on my birthday for a number of years. Most gifts are permissions or acceptances. One year I switched from saying ruefully, “I can’t spell,” to “I don’t spell–but I love dictionaries.” One year I gave myself the gift of never using the dreaded “, but” when talking about who I am and what I do.
I remember clearly the year I gave myself the gift of saying “I want.” Not in a whisper, a whine, or in anger–but in calm statements. What I noticed as I put this into practice was an incredibly smooth transition within myself. Each “want” was accompanied by a solid expectation of receiving–each statement of “want” became more natural. The best side-perk was to notice a quiet but dramatic lessening of the “, but I don’t really deserve…”
My birthday is coming up in three weeks, and I haven’t decided what to give myself this year. This, for me, is a wonderful time to consciously consider all the gifts I’m grateful for and to check for what part of self that could use some attention.
Thanks Ronna, the sharing of your journey helps all of us keep our feet on the path.
Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave´s last [type] ..Response cached until Tue 29 @ 14:08 GMT (Refreshes in 1.23 Hours)
I love your response, Julianne – and the gift you give to yourself. Indeed, our wants are so often expressed as whispers, whines, or demands. But your voicing of them in calm statements feels like the true articulation of heart, soul, and mind. New words that are now dancing in my brain a bit: Calm. Solid. Intentional. Thank you.
And can’t wait to hear what this year’s Birthday gift to yourself will be!!!
Wow, so interesting to see the shift in perspective, the lessening of the voice of the inner critic. It gives me courage to keep going to see others ahead of me who have traveled this same path. The words feel like a companion who agrees to walk with me a while, one that knows more about what lies ahead than I can see.
Renae C.´s last [type] ..8 Things- Anti-Power Messages
Thanks, Renae. Honestly, it gives me courage, as well.
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