voices

We have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say. When your writing blooms out of the back of this garbage compost, it is very stable. You are not running from anything. You can have a sense of artistic security. If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you. (Natalie Goldberg)

It’s just after 5:30 a.m. My workout is done and I’m sitting in front of my computer with the morning’s first cup of coffee; the last cup with cream, as I ran out with this pour. Fall is near; dawn is just now arriving. The house is quiet except for the click of my nails on the keyboard. But my mind is busy and loud.

The voices are noisy and active today.

I am familiar with them. The one that seeks to keep me focused, balanced, healthy. Another that calls me to the goodness and grace in my life. Another that causes me to smile at memories or hopes. There are more. There’s the one that tells me I’m out of shape, unattractive, and lazy. Another that calls out the scarcity and legion insecurities in my life. Another that causes me to cringe at disappointment or worry or fear.

There are undoubtedly far more. Today I hear those chanting negative, self-doubting, and anxiety-laden messages. “Go ahead, keep working out. It won’t matter.” “Give up, relationship will elude you. You’re too much. It’s ridiculous to hope.” “Who are you to think you’ll be seen, heard, understood, known?” “You know, all too well, what it feels like to be hurt. You’ll know it again. Don’t desire. Don’t expect. Don’t dream. It will all come crashing down.”

voices. Intentionally un-capitalized. I don’t want to give them any more power than they already have. But why do they have any at all? Where do they come from? And why don’t they go away, despite the ones I’ve learned to listen to that remind me that I’m good and worthy and well?

Even more, I’m wondering why they’re so active this early in the morning – before the realities of the day have even had time to sink in and make themselves at home.

The voices tell me something. Regardless of their messages, they tell me that my mind and heart are not at rest. I am rest-less. They tell me that I’m unsettled and unsure. They tell me that there is mental, emotional, and physical work to be done to return to a place of groundedness and calm.

My coffee cup is nearly empty. I’ll pour another, this time without cream. And I’ll wonder more about the voices. I’ll strive to listen more attentively to those that speak truth vs. lies. I’ll lean into those that beckon me into hope, desire, and anticipation. I’ll intentionally seek out those that offer me peace, wholeness, and rest. And I will continue to struggle. The voices will continue to clamor for attention, center-stage, and power.

On some level, I am grateful that I can distinguish the voices; that I can call them by name. I know them well. That didn’t use to be the case. I know when it is time to quiet some and elevate others. This morning is one of those times. And throughout, I am not alone. More voices join the chorus:

The more faithfully you listen to the voices within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside. (Dag Hammerskjold)

Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness. And they live by what they hear. Some people become crazy…or they become legend. (Jim Harrison)

Solitude is such a potential thing. We hear voices in solitude, we never hear in the hurry and turmoil of life; we receive counsels and comforts we get under no other condition. (Amelia E. Barr)

The way to recover the meaning of life and the worthwhileness of life is to recover the power of experience, to have impulse voices from within, and to be able to hear these impulse voices from within – and make the point: This can be done. (Abraham Maslow)

What are the fears but voices airy?
Whispering harm where harm is not.
And deluding the unwary
Till the fatal bolt is shot!
(William Wordsworth)

One needs occasionally to stand aside from the hum and rush of human interests and passions to hear the voices of God. (Anna Julia Cooper)

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