Today I am 50!

Today I am 50.

Had you asked me even a couple of years ago if I would be blogging about such an auspicious occasion, I would have quickly and vehemently said, “No!” But over the past year, I’ve been anticipating and looking forward to this day – a lot! I’ve acknowledged its significance, its inherent solidity and security, its beauty.

Maybe part of the reason for this shift – even in the past number of months – is because I’ve also been able to acknowledge my own significance, inherent solidity and security, and beauty.

This has been a long time in coming.

I’ve spent most of my now-50 years feeling insignificant, insecure, and invisible. Even I am shocked by the truth of this statement.

I still feel the residual of these self-definitions; their familiarity, their ease, even the illusion of their comfort. But I also have the ability and willingness to see them for the lies they are – and always have been.

I am standing – tall, regal, queen-like – claiming my power, speaking loud, acknowledging and stepping into who I have always been but have been remiss in seeing; into the woman I have rarely allowed to be seen – at least in these radiant, goddessy ways.

If I could be in a magazine spread for “this is what 50 looks like” I would do it in a heartbeat. No holds barred. Out in the open. A moratorium on all censoring, editing, and being small.  I’d wear something seductive and fabulous. Heels, for sure. Nails manicured. Hair coiffed. Makeup impeccable. And just the right camera angle to show off my best features (which I’ll totally leave for you to guess…).

It will be a relatively ordinary day. There’s no magazine spread planned. No expected calls from Vanity Fair, MORE, Vogue, or Oprah. I’ll be up early to get ready for eight hours of teaching/facilitating at an area military base. I’ll send Emma and Abby off to school. I won’t dress seductively – but I’ll shoot for fabulous. Heels, for sure. No manicure. I’ll blow dry and straighten (or maybe curl) my hair. Less-than-impeccable, but passable makeup. And facing forward into my day – camera angles and best features be damned.

My girls will give me presents and wish they could do more. My genius and gorgeous boyfriend will show up with more presents than he should. My parents, my sister, and other family and friends will call. And I’ll have emails, Facebook comments, and messages on Twitter. All accepted. I’ll treat myself to good coffee at Starbucks and maybe even a scone. I’ll go out to dinner. I’ll eat dessert. I’ll drink good wine or maybe even champagne. I’ll laugh. I’ll cry. I’ll sleep well.

50 feels perfectly suited to how I live, what I know, all I feel, what I desire, how I speak, who I love, how I move, where I go, and who I am.

Today will be an extraordinary day. I will allow myself to be celebrated (a bigger challenge than it might seem) and I will celebrate me; something I’ve done little of throughout my life. I will walk through it and into the next decade feeling significant, inherently solid and secure, beautiful.

This is no small thing – this perspective and attitude, this event, this day.

I am no small thing.

(It’s only taken me 50 years to be able to say this.)

Today I am 50!

Truly, what could be better?

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Tagged as: confident, insecure, insignificant, secure, significant