To be nobody but myself–in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me somebody else–means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting.
(e. e. cummings)
I just finished my book group’s latest pick: Dreamers of the Day by Mary Doria Russell. I highly recommend everything this women has written and this one’s no exception.
The protagonist, Agnes, struggles to be(come) herself. Every voice in her world (and in her head) shout at her, making her into someone else; into nobody really.
I get it. When I listen to others’ voices and let them control me, I no longer hear my own. I become less of myself. e. e. cummings is right: It’s a fight to become nobody but myself.
Hear Agnes’ wrestling with those voices, her fight:
In my defense, I can only say that I had lived too much in my mind, too little in my body until then. I was finished with being sensible and too old to wait much longer, but the moment I so much as thought about it, I heard that awful, inward chorus of objection:
What if he doesn’t…?
…raised you to be a lady…
What will people think?
Conscience makes cowards of us all, the Bard wrote, but these were not the voices of my own conscience. They were the voices of my mother, and her mother before her. It was time to stop listening to the inner doubts that so undermined my confidence. The world had changed. I had changed. When objections rose within me, I ignored the or dismissed them.
Oh, Agnes, you don’t want that! Mumma said (from the grave) pleading with me.
Yes, I realized. Yes, I do. I want. I want!
I wonder if this is not the first, last, and everything-in-between refrain required to win the fight to be one’s self; to listen to and believe the powerful but too-often silenced inside voice that says, “I want. I want!” (I admit it: I immediately begin singing The Spice Girls: “tell me what you want, what you really really want.”)
Wanting and desire are potent, and they lie latent, dormant, silenced for so long – sometimes our entire life. Other voices (religion, family of origin, partners, work, culture) tell us in no uncertain terms that to want or desire, is selfish, dangerous, and a huge set-up for disappointment. Those voices are lying. They are the voices that keep us from being ourselves; that keep us from being “nobody but myself.”
Acknowledging that we have desire(s) – that we want, is what awakens everything that makes us who we truly are, “nobody but myself.” It’s the best weapon in e. e. cumming’s fight and mine. I’m betting yours, as well.
I want. I want!
One final thought: it can take a tremendous amount of faith to trust our inside voice; the voice that sometimes whispers and other times screams what it wants and desires. I acknowledge that. And I believe that deep-in-our-soul voice is trustworthy, intimately connected to the heart of God/the Divine, deeply spiritual, and the truest voice we have. It’s also the one that others most need to hear from/in/through us.
Have faith that what you want and desire is inspired, beautiful, powerful, and worthy. Have faith that your truest voice, your inside voice, is the one that the rest of us most need to hear.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
How interesting that you write this today Ronna. I just finished reading Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk and have been left musing all day about who it is I have been trying to be. Which voices have been propelling me? Am I willing to listen to the voice that is faint and shy and so sure that others will mock. Wishing (as Duerk describes) I had a group of women in my youth, who had nurtured my trust in that voice, who accepted it in all its raw pain and awkwardness. Now it is a struggle to just be and listen. Thank you for this wonderful reinforcement.
Mmmmm. Love, love, love when things line up like this, Pearl. And here’s my hope(s) for you: 1) that you’ll listen to the faint and shy voice – and let her ROAR – mocking be damned! 2) That you’ll find a group of women who will nurture your trust in that voice right now! I get the struggle, believe me. It never ends. AND, when we succeed to quiet the clamor and hear our hearts? Ah…the beauty, the power, the hope!!!
My latest book review includes The Report Card by Andrew Clements, in which Nora’s biggest need is to be herself. I think you’d enjoy reading this chapter book, as Nora proclaims, “And right now I want to be a normal kid” (p. 169). Here’s what I said about the book — in ten sentences.
http://bonniesbooks.blogspot.com/2010/01/dick-and-jane-and-some-other-girls.html
.-= Bonnie Jacobs´s last blog ..Dick and Jane ~ and some other girls =-.
Thank you, Ronna. As I continue to wrestle with emotional upheaval, I realize that had I been true to me I might not have had this problem. I will strive,with reminders, to be me.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..Roe versus Wade at 37 =-.
That’s nearly always the case, I think…when we’re not totally ourselves then the circumstances we find ourselves in can carry all kinds of burdens we don’t want/need to bear. AND…its always important to extend yourself grace. Chances are good that you not totally being you is not 100% of what causes the emotional upheaval. There ARE those other people in our lives, as well. But bottom line: yes, be you! She’s worth being seen, heard, known.
At least for me, it seems that the fear of not being heard can stopper our listening. It certainly can stitch our lips to silence us. We seem to work so very hard to be heard–even by ourselves–that we miss the true voice each of us has. In fact I believe, we are heard most clearly through the inner voice we all carry. When we speak those truths, when we live those truths–they just become who we are. And that is pretty hard to ignore.
.-= Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave´s last blog ..As I Do =-.
I totally resonate with this, Julianne. Thanks for articulating it. YES! When we don’t let our own inner voice be heard we are also not able to hear that in others. But in reverse I would say that for me, over the years, the more I’ve trusted my inside voice – and then spoken/shown it, the more compelled I’ve been that others have the same things going on, the same fears, the same insecurities…and then I’m on a mission! I deeply want to hear that voice coming forth from them! Again, thanks for seeing this from a different angle and inviting the relational risk/reality into the conversation! Beautiful. One other thing: I’ve been to your website and looked a bit at the beautiful creating you do. It’s curious and lovely to me that you used the word “stitch” in your comment…I wonder how often the reality of your art becomes the metaphor of your language…your experience…
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