“Renegade” revisted.

I’ve been doing a lot of work the past few days trying to articulate and further clarify what my business is about, what I do, who I do it with, why it matters. I’m realizing a couple of things: 1) this defining work is ongoing, and 2) I’m really defining “me” far more than my business.

I still don’t have all the answers, but one word has jumped out at me repeatedly: “renegade.” Imagine that! It’s distinct. It means something specific. And it’s hardly a random choice – for my business name or in my behavior.

So, I go back to the basics…and consider anew the definition for this far-from-benign word:

renegade: noun. A deserter from one faith, cause, or allegiance to another;  those who reject lawful or conventional behavior.

I am a renegade. My own story has numerous chapters that tell of my desertions. (OK…an in-the-moment point of clarification: Even using the word “desertions” causes me to want to define it. It’s not deserting as in running away. It’s a leaving behind, a turning from, a movement toward. There. I feel better.) I have deserted my allegiance to keeping myself small and safe (for others’ sake). I have deserted my learned faith for one that is bigger, broader, and much more inclusive. I have deserted my marriage. (I know…that sounds horrible but when I was able to understand it in the above-articulated ways, it was good, healthy, and, of course, incredibly hard. No one said being a renegade was easy!) Further, I have, and hopefully continue to, reject conventional behavior. I don’t want to be conventional. I don’t want to do what has to be done; I want to do what I want, what I desire, what I’m passionate about; not in selfish ways, but in life-giving, passionate, amazing ways! If that fits within realms of conventionality, that’s totally fine; but if not, I’m bustin’ out!

Now, when I think about this word, I realize that it’s the right name for my business because it’s the right name for me! Being a renegade isn’t easy, but it’s rewarding. It’s not simple, but it’s deeply meaningful. It’s not safe, but it’s full of life and desire and passion. No, it’s not conventional, but that’s totally fine with me. Yes, it means deserting some things; it’s a simultaneous turning away and turning toward. But it also means gain, growth, and so much good!

I’ve not always been one – a renegade. I’ve known many spaces in my life where I’ve felt trapped, bound, burdened, stuck. I’ve been committed to not rocking the boat; to working diligently, tirelessly, and often at great cost to keep everything (and everyone) in my world intact. And, truth-be-told, I still struggle with this. I feel the pull over and over again to constraint. Sometimes that’s self-inflicted…the voices inside that tell me to sit down, be quiet, and settle. And sometimes it’s external…voices outside of me that tell me things quite similar – in both blatant and subliminal ways.

Being a renegade means that I choose to desert those voices (or at least turn down their volume) and listen to my heart, my soul, my deepest inner wisdom. And not only listen, but trust.

Being a renegade means that I trust myself. Simple to say. Far harder to practice. But no one said it was easy, this being-a-renegade thing.

It’s the right word. I’m doing the right thing. I’m being me. Deep breath. Renegade. Mmm hmm.

As for the image in this post? Given that first and foremost I’m a mom, it seems to fit (sans handgun).

Tagged as: behavior, business, desire, hope, life, mom, passion, renegade, risk, safe, story

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