A couple days ago I met with my Spiritual Director. I see her about every 6 weeks and we’ve been together for at least 5 years now. She knows much about me, my heart, my questions.
ping pong
This week I was telling her about something I’m trying to think through and figure out (some might say, “fix” or “control”). Options. Restraints. Choices. The lack thereof. When I finally took a breath she said, “Ronna, I feel like I’ve been watching a ping pong ball bounce all over the place for the last 20 minutes. What is it that you really need in all of this? And then how will you go about advocating on your own behalf to have your needs met?”
tears
I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. Even as I willed myself not to cry (what’s that about?!?) I knew it wouldn’t work. I’ve known myself this way before: scattered, using a gazillion words to try and make sense of what I’m feeling but not being willing to truthfully say out loud what’s underneath it all. What is it I really need in all of this? When words started to come, halting and stilted, they surprised me – and then the tears came. I need affirmation, advocacy, security, safety. But I’m not sure they will come; that they can truly be mine.
fears
As the tears continued to fall and as I continued to use words she said, “What are you feeling in the midst of all this, Ronna?” I sat there for a few minutes, knowing the spontaneous, intuitive answer, but not wanting to say it out loud. I waited, in the hopes that something else would come to me. No more words. “I am afraid.”
I used to believe that God was all about fixing my life; working it out for good; enabling everything to come together. I don’t not believe that, but I don’t believe it the same (and simple) way I once did. My experience in life has taught me differently. I believe that God will be with me – meeting my needs in the moment as necessary (most often through my own abilities, understanding, and deep-down, intuitive knowledge, as well as through my relationships with others) but not necessarily working out some pre-ordained plan that assures my safety and security. In my best moments, this isn’t upsetting. It’s growth and maturity. But most of the time – not just in adolescence – growth and maturity is painful. And it makes me afraid.
Really? Is God not going to swoop down and make sense of everything? Is God not going to give me an “answer”? Is God not going to fix it all? Is God not going to make the plan perfectly clear – one that will assure my security, meet all my (temporal) needs, and make me peaceful and comfortable? I’m afraid not.
I’m afraid. Who is this new, more complex, and un-understandable God? If this God isn’t about my happiness then what? And ultimately, will I trust this God?
She said to me, “Ronna, much of your life has been one that has invited you and called you to trust. It has not been easy. Your stories have not been ones of God simply offering you answers, happiness, or comfort. Really, they’ve been stories of the opposite. Over and over again God has invited you to trust in ways that are not defined, clear, or obvious; to trust that you do already have what you most need – within and about you; to trust that God trusts you.”
Ping pong is easier. I can bounce all over the place without really settling my mind and heart down long enough to have to acknowledge what I’m truly feeling.
Tears are resisted. They reveal that more is going on than all my words. They reveal my heart – most often to myself! They remind me that I’m passionate, that I feel deeply, that I really do care. (And sometimes those realities are far harder to acknowledge and live with than their alternatives.)
Fears are…well, frightening. They invite a choice. Will I trust?
As I drove away from our time together I was reminded of the words spoken at nearly every humans’ encounter with an angel of God. “Do not be afraid.”
Maybe my fear is a way of calling me to acknowledge that God has shown up – awe-full, frightening and right in front of me; that I am worthy of being met by and seen by God. That’s better than ping pong AND requires far more.
I am afraid. And I am deeply humbled.
Still no “answers” in regards to my initial query, my wonderings and wanderings; but a taste of God’s presence. That’s really what I need most.
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