Parenting – my confession

Have you ever made the commitment to not parent your children the way you were parented? I have…over and over, just as my parents undoubtedly did as they raised me. The reality is, however, that we are hard-pressed to make any different decisions. It’s possible, but it’s not our default. It takes intentional, deliberate, and patient effort – with renewed intention and vigor every single day.

I didn’t do well in this category tonight. My eldest, now 9, had homework that had been picked at for nearly two hours. I had encouraged, prodded, reminded, and nagged and still it was not done. Finally, when her sister had the privilege of started a movie and I heard her complaint of “that’s not fair!” I lost it. “You will not watch the movie until your homework is done. You’ve had nearly two hours to get one small thing done. There will be no TV until you are totally finished!”

Now, on the surface, those words may seem appropriate, given the context, but I know better. She felt shamed. She felt my anger. Neither of which she deserved. I failed her – and I failed me. I can do better.

As you might imagine, my parents tended to discipline me in ways similar to the above story. Repeated over and over during my years at home, the feelings of shame and bearing another’s anger became far too familiar. I still struggle with those memories and their residual effect on my life – certainly as a parent, but also manifest in many other areas of my life.

Now I find myself reflecting, praying, and hoping for yet another day and a fresh opportunity to try again. Gratefully, that will be given to me. And gratefully, my daughter is incredibly forgiving. In fact, she’s probably already oblivious to the angst with which I’ve now dealt and deliberated during the past few hours. Thanks be to God.

Speaking of God, I wonder about our experience of God as Father. Do we experience a God who is shaming and angry; a God who demands that all our work get done before we can experience rest or play? Admittedly, some of us do. But I don’t believe that this is how God intends to be known. No. God is far more like my daughter: incredibly forgiving.

As I now regroup and reframe my relationship with my daughter and her ongoing struggle (or is it mine?) to complete her daily tasks, I long to remember the gracious Parent who offers me rest and play – again and again – now! When I remember and accept that invitation to rest, I can offer the same to my daughter. And the pattern changes. At least this time. May it be so – again and again. Not only for her, but for me.

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