One week ago today I walked out the back door of Mars Hill Graduate School (MHGS) for the last time – at least as an employee. It was odd: to hear that door slam shut, to turn and look back, mindful of the symbolism even in that moment. As I went down the steps I was completely aware – physically, emotionally, mentally – that I was walking away. And I was OK.
Now, one week later, I’m still OK. A week of work has gone on without me. Conversations have ensued. Mail has been delivered. Phone calls have been made. Lunches have been eaten. Lots of coffee has been downed. And I’ve been home – not working per se, but days full with conversation, (e)mail, phone calls, and still the coffee. I’m OK.
Don’t get me wrong: it has been incredibly painful for me to accept that I had to leave MHGS; that circumstances were such that my lay-off was necessary. The separation is made more painful because it’s a place I’ve loved much. It’s more painful because it’s a place that has loved me much. Still, as with so much in life, it’s a pain I wouldn’t trade (OK…maybe some of it). Pierre-Auguste Renoir (1841-1919), a French Impressionist painter said this, “The pain passes, but the beauty remains.” I’m pretty sure, at least at a week out, that he’s right. I’m OK.
Now, one week later, I feel stuck between pain and beauty. I’m palpably aware of all the insecurities that rush at me and threaten to consume: how long before I find another job? will it be fulfilling? will I compromise or can I hold out for what is best? will I believe in my own abilities and gifts? am I good enough? am I competent? do I have anything to offer? will I risk and actually step into the things I’m most passionate about – and believe that resources and compensation will follow? I don’t have the answers. For now, I just sit with the questions. And I’m OK.
One week ago today I left the “known” for the unknown. I left what has been comfortable and safe for what now feels scary and full of risk. And I left feeling strong, ready, OK.
I still am.
A dream is your creative vision for your life in the future. You must break out of your current comfort zone and become comfortable with the unfamiliar and the unknown (Dennis Waitley).
