Yesterday I wrote about the liturgy from communion at work. There’s more: here’s the text that was read from John 20:
On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being shut where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.” When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples were glad when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I send you.” And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.” Now Thomas, one of the twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the print of the nails, and place my finger in the mark of the nails, and place my hand in his side, I will not believe.” Eight days later, his disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. The doors were shut, but Jesus came and stood among them, and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side; do not be faithless, but believing.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe.”
I’ve heard this story lots of times with the emphasis usually placed on Thomas’ doubt as well as Jesus’ acknowledgment of such – and his call to believing without seeing. But yesterday as this passage was read I heard (and saw) something much different.
Thomas says, “Unless I see in his hands the print of the nails, and place my finger in the mark of the nails, and place my hand in his side, I will not believe.” But I don’t think those are really the core questions he’s asking. I think they are more in the ilk of “Dare I hope?” “Can I bear to be disappointed again?”
I get those questions. In context with what has occurred in Thomas life they make total sense, really. And I know them to be the questions I ask (and I believe, we all ask) – all the time – in nearly every relational context. But here’s what I find amazing: Jesus appears and already knows these are Thomas’ core questions. He doesn’t scold Thomas for not believing. Instead, he says, “Yes, you can hope. You will not be disappointed by me.” “You can believe in what you see.”
Isn’t that what we most long to hear? I’ll speak for myself: it’s what I most long to hear.
The rest of the passage is where I think we get caught up; we surmise this as the point of the story: that Thomas is somehow not who we want to model our lives after; rather, that we want to be those who don’t see and still believe. I’m not questioning the value and strength of that reality, but I want to stay with the beauty of Jesus’ knowledge of and ready response to what Thomas most needed to know – and see. Thomas asked questions. Jesus responds – no questions asked. Thomas acknowledges and states his deepest desires (even if bound up in doubt-filled questions) and Jesus meets them. That’s the Jesus I want to know – and see.
Am I willing to say outloud – to myself, to others, and to God – what my deepest desires actually are? Will I say that I’m afraid to hope and that I can’t bear to be disappointed? And if I will, can I expect that Jesus will not shame me, berate me, or ask me more questions? Can I experience a Jesus who says, “Here I am. See. Believe. And yes, hope Ronna, hope. You will not be disappointed in me.”
That seems to me to have pretty significant ramifications. Something like Easter, resurrection, and the like…
When I see this Jesus, unfulfilled hope and the fear of disappointment can do nothing but flee. This kind of seeing is believing. New eyes are good…
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