Remember being a little kid and threatening to run away from home? I don’t know if I ever actually threatened it, being the oldest and ever-striving-to-be-perfect child, but I do remember thinking it! I’d just pack up the necessities and head out, convinced no one would miss me…at first…and then, horror would strike, the world would realize it couldn’t possibly exist without me, and the search parties would tirelessly and aggressively seek my return. Once found, exclamations of appreciation, love, and gratitude would be overwhelming and I’d know that finally someone realized how much I mattered! Whew!
Well, my current fantasy, at least today, is that of running away, but this time it’s significantly different. I now, far-too-often, feel like no one can exist without me, that the search parties would tirelessly and aggressively seek my return, and that endless exclamations of appreciation, love, and gratitude would be mine. I feel exhausted just thinking about it!
And that’s hardly fantasy: it feels far too much like reality these days. No, what I want is the fantasy of actually being able to run away – and not have my world (or those that I sometimes feel like I maintain) come crashing down. I want the fantasy of actually being able to escape, to head to a destination unknown, to be unknown, to rest, to play, to just be…without the pressing and sometimes-oppressive reality of responsibility, being needed, and subsequently, feeling just plain worn out.
Funny: as a child I wanted desperately to be seen, noticed, needed (at least that was my perspective at the time). Now I want to be able to sneak away – unseen, unnoticed, unneeded. Not indefinitely. Just for a weekend. A week. A few days.
I don’t want to run away from myself, my realities, even my responsibilities. I love all of these things. I just want the space to disappear – even if just for a little while – and know that the globe won’t tip off it’s axis in my absence. At least for now, that does feel like fantasy – both the axis-tipping and the running away itself.
As I daydream and reckon with what my life currently requires of me – it’s seeing, it’s noticing, it’s need – it’s nice to picture myself, even for a few moments, with a small knapsack, enough food for maybe a light snack, and deep, passionate hopes.
And just in case I go for it, you might be able to find me in my latest fantasy locale: Scotland.
