A week ago my 11-year-old daughter went to a birthday sleepover. There were six other girls there: 3 she knew and 3 she didn’t. She’d been to the birthday-girl’s house many times. It was familiar to her. She looked forward to the party, the night, the overnight. But things change.
The first text message came at 1:17 a.m. “Mom, can you come get me?”
Me, asleep and barely able to be coherent: “Why?”
Abby: “Because they are watching a scary movie and I feel like I’m going to cry.”
Me, waking up enough to know I don’t want to drive across town at this time of night: “Can’t you just close your eyes and go to sleep?”
Abby: “Mom, please?!?”
Me, now awake, sitting up: “OK. Get your things together and I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”
Now parenthetically let me say that normally I would talk her down; I wouldn’t so quickly come to her aid. But somehow this turn of events didn’t surprise me. My intuition was right – my hesitancies from the outset realized. Now, no matter the hour, she deserved to be rescued, safe…home.
Me, at the front door, about to head out: “Make sure you have all your things together. I’ll text you when I’m pulling up in front.”
Abby: “Don’t come. They turned the movie off.”
I headed back to bed and was asleep within moments. Proud.
Then, at 2:02 a.m., this message: “Mom, come get me. I’m going to cry. I want to come home, please?!?”
Me, now out of bed and moving toward shoes and keys: “Why?”
Abby: “Because the girls are telling me that I’m being mean and stand-offish. I’m not.”
Me: “I’m on my way. Get your things and watch for the car. I love you.”
At 2:20 I was there and watched a girl in oversized pajamas, tennis shoes, and a baggy sweatshirt make her way to the car. Not inches from the door, she burst into tears and cried the rest of the way home. Heartbreaking.
She slept with me that night – breathing deeply within seconds, before the tears had even dried on her cheeks.
When I got up the next morning I thought about what it must have been like for her to find herself in such a place: confronted with a reality she did not like and having to choose whether or not to tell her truth (to friends and to me) or to lie, to suffer through, to bear up under the peer pressure, to keep a stiff upper lip, to soldier on.
May I just say: I HATE THAT THESE PLACES EXIST FOR MY DAUGHTERS!
As much as I want her to be able to stand her ground and stand up for herself, I’m grateful she was able to tell her own truth, cut her losses, and find safety at home with mom.
Those spaces are too far and too few between, aren’t they? The older we get, the less refuge we can find. We know all too well what it costs us to shed seen tears so, with no one in which to safely confide, we swallow them. We figured out long ago what was required of us in social situations; no matter our preferences or experiences, we go with the crowd. We remain silent. Sometimes small. Swallowing more and more of ourselves into the only safe place we can find: deep inside.
My 11-year-old’s truth was allowed to come out this time. It won’t always be so.
But what if it was? What if we were able to (re)create spaces in which our daughters and sons, and each of us could know safety, comfort, and yes tears? No retribution. No consequence. Just truth.
Abby: “Mom? Will you come get me?”
Me: “Of course, Abby. I’ll be right there.”
The days are flying past. Soon you will no longer ask. But when that day comes, may you still choose safety over harm, comfort over suffering, and tears over compliance. Tell your truth, sweet girl. It matters.
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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Ronna. My heart aches and my eyes fill with tears reading these words. Feeling myself back in those places where I’ve swallowed unshed tears, or worse yet, spilled them in spite of myself and paid the price. Experiencing so completely the reality of that pain – for your eleven year old and for my eleven year old. Thinking of the way I judge what kind of day it’s been by the way she carries herself to the car in the afternoon. Reading her feelings all over her body. And trying to help her negotiate all the intricate steps of relationships WITHOUT squelching the truth-telling. SO SO hard – for them – and for us. Thank you for rescuing her – for giving us permission by example to rescue. Abby sounds like a powerful force who is learning now how to tell her truth. I hope Courtney is learning the same lesson. Never easy – but better now, able to be utilized throughout their teenage years, than the re-learning that we have had to, so much later in life. Oh that we could, through our own truth-telling, create a safer space for them. How powerful can they be if they can have that space from the beginning, from now, instead of using so much of their energy to carve out the space. If somehow my journey makes that possible for my daughter, on even a small level, then every painful step will have been worth it at 1000 times the price. I know we cannot take away the fact that they will have battles of their own to fight, but if they can fight new and different ones instead of the same ones over again, then we have made some progress. Thank you for this post!
.-= Renae C´s last blog ..Break Time =-.
Thanks, Renae. It’s such a tough line: rescuing vs. teaching them to truth a rescuing of themselves in the midst. It felt like the right call in this moment. But there have been – and will be others; less easy to see my way through. The tension of letting my girls experience their own angst vs. wanting to mitigate all of it? Endless. And, of course, it sends me back to my own angst. Complex. But grateful for at least a few more years’ context.
Mom of the year award headed your way. Lucky young lady, and dedicated mom. This made me think hard about what my response would have been. It’s been a very interesting week on the parenting front, for sure.
I don’t know about “mom of the year,” Angie, but grateful for at least one moment in which the decision felt right. Far more than feel far more complex, far less clear, far more excruciating. Such a difficult passage – as a young girl and as a much-older-girl who remembers all-too-well these painful places and the learnings that result…
Like Renae, tears came to my eyes too, and I thought of my 10-year old daughter as well. Geez, I wish these places didn’t exist too! I’m frustrated with you!
Thankfully she had you. There have been more and more times like that between my daughter and I – where she has been hurt and confused and alone. Where she (thank GOD!) has come to me and asked me to listen. And I have. We have curled up and let the tears flow.
Again, like Renai, I hope that my journey too allows her to find spaces for truth wherever she may be. For my boys too, the sensitive, caring creatures they are it’s hard for them too.
.-= Shawna Cevraini´s last blog ..Do You Hear the Music? =-.
Thanks, Shawna. It is such a tough space – for our daughters and for us. Grateful for fellow mom’s/travelers on the journey.
Ronna, this reminds me of being a little girl and calling my own mother to come get me when I was scared. I felt so loved and safe and protected…as I grew older that safe place seemed to evaporate. Hold that place sacred for that beautiful, loved child of yours, my friend…although I suspect you don’t need me to tell you that =). What a beautiful relationship you’re showing her how to have. Thanks so much for sharing this and taking me back to a special place with my mom. Love & Light to you & Abby =)
.-= Dian Reid´s last blog ..How to Get Rich and Get People to Like You =-.
Come to me, and I shall give you rest. So beautiful, mamacita.
I think you should watch this short video clip – really, I think you’ll like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUHnMfa_aKE
Thanks for these words, Lianne – and the video. When back from vacation with my sister, I’ll check it out!
I hope you daughters never lose sight of how lucky they are to have you.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
.-= PicsieChick´s last blog ..Yes, Bring those…Make me Feel Fine =-.
I hope I never lose sight of how lucky I am to have them!!!
Hi Ronna:
High 5 to you …. “Mom”, Cherish this as it will happen a number of times as your Precious Young one continues to grow and branh out as she becomes independent. This article SO reminds me of some of the experiences I have had with my own daughter in some of the very same kinds of situations.
My Courtney did the same thing as she wanted to spend overnights with her Friends. She would either change her mind at the last minute about going or she would go and call me in the wee hours of the morning after I had drifted off to sleep … Mom? Can you come get me, I want to come home, I ‘m scared”. Like you Ronna, I was there and retrieved her, brought her home and she was able to breath deep and felf safe at home with Mom and her familiar surroundings, as well as slept with me through those nights, just wanting to close to me.
Last year Courtney took a HUGE step when she flew to Lousiana to visit with a Friend for a week as they both were celebrating theith “Sweet 16″. As I had expected would happen the first couple nights I heard the phone vibrate that was next to my ear with the text message “Mom, I want to come home. I miss You”. Obviously I could not just go pick her up as she was over three thousand miles away … So for the next hour and half I would be there laying in bed text back and forth to Courtney comforting her the best that i could reassuring her that she was ok and that everything was OK in which she reassured me in the mist of our text conversation … She was having a fantastic time with her Friend, it was just late at night that she needed a bit of reassurance that she was ok and safe. (You know as Mom, My heart was with her just being present even if we had to communicte with texting (her means of communication since she is deaf). After a while she was back to herself and felt reassured that she would be fine … yet the next night the same routine happened. As Mom’s we want to be there and then there are times when we cannot be .. so how do we manage to deal with their throughs, feels and emotions when they are a distance away. I learned those couple of evenings when she need me to be there for her even though there was no way for me to physically be there … It all came back to the lengthy conversations we had had over the years that she was able to feel safe and that no matter what she could “call” on me and I would be there in the best way that I could be as “Mom”.
Parenting is NOT an easy assignment for any parent I have come to believe and understand.
As Mom’s, it is so rewarding and so deeply special when we reap the rewards of the allowing our children to speak their Truth. It is so so critical and allowing them to speak their truth through out thier years of growing deepens the bonding between Mom and Daughter, espcially as Single Mom”s (as well as Married Mom’s.
If I may share here with you all another experience where this came to a very clear understanding for me as Mom and bonding that happens in allowing them to speak their truth and and “Mom” always being present. I leanred a great leasson as Courtney started dating and going out on dates …. When on Sunday afternoon she and her boyfriend took a walk to the park which is just a ile aweay from home, yet she returned in a rather stand offish state of being … After her boyfriend had left the house shortly after their return form the park … Moments later Courtney blurted out to me that Ryan had tried to take advantage of her at the park forcing himself upon her in which she wanted no part of, she said “NO” an did so over and over again and the ran for home … She was in tears and shaking and just whaling with tears.
I took Courtney in my arms and just held her for a good while, not probing or prodding, but just reassuring thats she was ok and safe and that I am listening when she has the words to share what happen. It only took a few minutes before the disucssion began and I heard what happened and first and foremost shared how proud I was of her, so proud that she did what she felt was the right thing to do which was first to get away and to come home, I thank her for her bravery and openness in sharing with me this horrific expereince she had just endured… We had a long conversation as she stayed in my arms and I allowed her to talk through it until she felt she was ok and what she needed to do to feel safe at home as well as at school . There was a long sit down conversation with both Courtney and Rayn that evening as we called Ryan back (with complete cooperation from his parents) to have an open dialogue and deal with the situation with out delay. The next day Courtney went to school and requested a “NO CONTACT” order against Ryan during school hours … This was an on going situation for a couple weeks as Courtney need to talk and be heard and allowed to tell her “Truth” being validated with ehr thoughts, feelings and emotions.
As mom, it was very very challenging not to loose my cool … Yet through faith, trust and the BONDING that I and Courtney had built allowed me to see Courtney work this out in ways that she felt necessary. it was so rewarding and encouraging that the many many lengthy conversations we had had over the years built that inner knowing that she could share with me her “Truth” in any circustance that she may come across.
Even Now days as Courtney will turn 17 on the 7th of June. It is music to my ears and makes my heart dance and rewarding to hear Courtney say “I Love You, Mom” three, four, five times a day. It is also very delightful that she shared with me that she likes me to be present for her mainly three times through out each day … Those time being in the ….
1.) Mornings to start her day and to see her off to school with a Hug, a kiss and as she gets on the bus a (Signed ASL) “I Love You” and blowing a kiss to her as the bus drives off,
2.) After school when she arrives home from school off the bus in that she shares it is scary to come into an empty house, and
3.) At bed time as she still like to be tucked in to bed with a kiss and I Love You to end the day.
Ronna cherish these times that don’t a;ways seem or appear to be convient … In the long run your daughter will love you and cherish you even deeper with the bonding that happens in these special moments in time.
Be Blessed and thanks for letting me share. Thank You for SHARING with US!!!
Barbarie
So beautiful, Barbarie. Thank you. I’m grateful for your kindness, your affirmation, and your stories. So rich.
I love reading this, feeling the safety of my own mom coming to get me when I was simply scared at a sleep over, and also how clear I am with my Lilly that I will come anywhere without questions asked… Ronna, my girlfriend and I have a “Marmie” award for damn good parenting. You are hereby awarded, ( bow your head humbly please) the Marmie Award.
Hope you got to sleep in a bit!
.-= Jennifer Louden´s last blog ..5 Warning Signs You’ve Lost Your Mojo =-.
I humbly accept the award, Jen, quite certain that it could easily be taken when moments will certainly come in which I’ll completely screw up. ‘Enjoying the tiara for the time being!!!
Express not Repress:
I want a lot of things for my two girls and this is very high on the want list. Your post got me thinking hard about how we tend to heap praise and accolades on ‘the levelheaded’ and the ‘unflapable’. That showing only a rational response to an emotionally charged event is the proper thing to do. I wondered why this was. Our emotions infuse our life with so much meaning yet they are written off as insignificant when I comes to making life’s big decisions. I know that there are a thousand arguments for divorcing yourself from an emotional response but why? Is this side of us without merit? Are our emotional needs secondary to other needs?
I think, at heart, emotions scare us. They are raw, messy, sometimes unpredictable and at times difficult to react to. They change with the passage of time and the turning of events. They shape our experience in ways the we sometimes have trouble understanding. I want so much for my family to live in such a way as to be unafraid to express their emotions and I am trying hard to set a good example. But it occurred to me while reading that perhaps the first step in preventing emotional repression is to promote emotional acceptance. Validate emotional responses. Create an environment where an emotional dialogue is at home and maybe then we could live with less repression and more expression. You seem to be doing that, living that wonderfully. And it is truly inspiring.
-J
Thanks, John. I’d hardly say I am consistent in this process, but a good choice in this particular moment. And I love what you’re thinking through in terms of the messiness of emotions – allowing them vs. controlling them, accepting them vs. changing them. It’s hard though, isn’t it? As parents, we can see the future trajectory; the many choices our kids will be required to navigate and we want them to have the toughness/tenderness to manage them well. How to enable and encourage emotions…knowing full well that those very emotions will cause them additional grief – and additional beauty? Bottom line: parenting is tough! And growing up is, as well. I keep reminding myself of the latter – over and over again…
I’m grateful for your words, your thoughts, your heart on your own daughters’ behalf.
I was just talking to one of my close business friends about a similar topic a few days ago.
Her client was treating her terribly and chastising her for work quality on work she didn’t do. While the whole issue was complicated, she was extremely upset over the issue. I hate to encourage someone to run from their problems, but sometimes cutting your losses and heading home is the best course.
Life is too short to be miserable and you never know what opportunities you are missing by staying in an uncomfortable situation. 11 is such a hard and vulnerable age and she’s lucky to have a mom she knows she can turn to (because some of us didn’t have such strong families.)
Love your blog as always!
.-= Erica Cosminsky´s last blog ..Top Three Tips for Using Transcription to Profit from Teleseminars =-.
Thanks, Erica. Yes…sometimes we DO need to cut our losses – and then have the internal messaging strong enough to tell ourselves that we made the right choice; that the ramifications are the problems of others’ and not our own. Easier said than done – as kids…and as adults.
What a sad yet beautiful glimpse into the early workings of speaking and acting on our truths. I’m so glad Abby felt able to speak what was true for her and find that she had back-up in you. Yes, it’s beautiful indeed.
I think Erica raises an excellent point about knowing when to cut our losses and go home. It’s a fine line, one that I’m still refining as I reach middle age. If I have a regret in life, it’s probably that I’ve not exercised my right to walk out nearly enough. I’ve been very compromising and negotiable.
A couple of years ago, I found myself at a family gathering (my outlaws) where I was treated with open and uninvited hostility at a birthday luncheon. I quietly left. The silence as a walked away was deafening and nothing has ever been the same since. It was as if I’d thrown a live grenade. While some relationships were broken (in hindsight, I’m grateful for that), I have also garnered the begrudging respect of people who assumed I was fair game for that sort of attack. Seven years of being used as target practice simply ended with one small “I’m going home.” If only I’d realised the power of those words earlier. But on the day, it was brutally hard. I cried all the way home in the car even though I was a 38 year old ‘grown up’.
My heart truly goes out to Abby.
And thanks for another cog-turner, Ronna :^)
.-= Meg´s last blog ..Self-Portrait: The Blues =-.
Meg: I could totally feel the weight and power of your choice that day with family. So brave. So true. So right. Hardly easy. I’m hopeful you’ve known comfort and safety – especially within your own heart – as you’ve lived out that decision and undoubtedly others. Indeed, your truth matters.
Oh, Abby … this makes my heart ache, Ronna. I am so impressed and inspired by the way you witness her, and know how to make her feel safe and seen … this is my highest goal, and i learn so much from watching you.
I wish I always did well by her. Alas, I do not. What I’m aware of, however, is that the fight over what is “best” for her is probably my own deal more than anything she needs to be burdened with. When I opt for her comfort and safety (usually over my own) it’s probably the right decision. Just, as always, easier said than done. ‘Appreciate your support and kindness, Lindsey. And believe me, I learn just as much from watching you.
Go Abby! Be You, without apology!
Thanks, Rebecca. Ah, if only it could always be so!!!
Beautiful and moving. How lucky your daughter is to have a mother like you.
.-= Alisha´s last blog ..Workshop Mid-week Progress Report, Week 3 =-.
Sometimes, yes. Always? No. But love undaunted in between the two.
Thanks, Alisha.l
This is not only a girl thing. Thank God for texts. Thank God they want to “call” Mom for help.
I’m sure you’re right. Given that I only have girls, I have no other way to speak/know of it. But yes, I’m grateful that at least right now, they still call. Those days are fast and fleeting. Thanks for being here Gennie.
What a beautiful perspective to take on something that could have been overseen as an annoyance in the middle of the night.
My first time reading your blog. Very much look forward to it!
Ooooh. So glad you’re here! And thank you!
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