I met with my therapist today. I told him recent stories – day-to-day vignettes from my past couple of weeks. Somehow, just talking out loud, I felt a little less crazy.
Without getting into all the messy details, I want to reflect for just a few paragraphs on something he said to me: “Ronna, you are constantly having to make sense of insanity.” When I heard him say it, it registered, but I didn’t dwell on it. In my hour-long commute home though, it wouldn’t leave my brain. Why can’t I stop thinking about his words? And probably the more applicable questions: Why is that true for me? Why am I constantly having to make sense of insanity?
The realms in which this has been and is true for me are legion. Again, without getting into those messy details, I’m stuck with the reality that I wind up here – again and again. Who is the insane one, you might ask? Believe me, I’m asking. And the insanity-provoking reality is that the more insane your circumstances, the more you begin to feel like you’re the crazy one – because no one else seems to think they are! It’s a vicious cycle and almost impossible to escape. Unless you can spot it, see it, name it, and stand still.
I don’t know who said this, but it feels true:
What is insanity, anyway? Is it when you scream and everyone else whispers, or is it when you fight for what’s right, even when everyone else thinks you’re wrong?”
If this definition is right, I am insane. But I think there’s another way to look at it. And that’s what my therapist was inviting me to today. I can acknowledge that I have, admittedly, been in numerous circumstances that are crazy-making and increasingly I can see that with more and more clarity. Further, I don’t have to be crazy myself. I can spot it, see it, name it, and stand still – on my own two feet and let things swirl around me – whether I’m doing the screaming, the whispering, or the fighting.
I continue to hope for myself: for a day and time when I don’t feel surrounded by insanity; when I don’t feel the need to make sense in its midst. But in the meantime…I do, indeed, need to keep standing still and listening to my heart. It tells me the truth – just like my therapist.
OK…I feel a little less crazy now.
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