I have spent the last days and weeks with people who have recently been laid off. This week has been filled primarily with first meetings, stepping into the messy emotions that emerge and take up residence when facing this unexpected and seemingly-cruel twist in their story. In the midst, I’ve been reminded of my own career story, my own unexpected lay-off, and the messy emotions that have accompanied me on that journey these past three-four months. And, today, I’ve been grateful.
It wasn’t that long ago that I sat where they are sitting. It wasn’t that long ago that I felt the same confusion, anger, frustration, anxiety, and fear. And I couldn’t have anticipated that I’d be sitting on the other side of the table; that I’d regain perspective, feel hopeful, and actually be dreaming on my own behalf. And I certainly couldn’t have anticipated that those very dreams (tentative at first, and now far more bold) are what have compelled reality. But it’s definitely the story I told them today.
It is hard to dream on our own behalf. I’m not sure if that comes from our religion, our family of origin, our culture, or some combination of all these and more. What I do know is that we have somehow convinced ourselves that we shouldn’t hope too much for ourselves, that we shouldn’t really believe that we could do, accomplish, or experience what our hearts (too-secretly) desire. Sometimes doing so makes us feel guilty, self-centered, or arrogant. But I think more times we just know that disappointment is too prevalent, too easy to come by, too expected. So instead we choose to think (and live) small. It’s definitely what I’ve done time and again – in jobs, in relationships, in nearly every aspect of life to some degree. It’s risky to dream.
But these past months have taught me that I should know better. As I have risked dreaming, I have seen far less disappointment and far more reality. My therapist has been trying to teach me this for quite some time, actually. He has told me repeatedly that my capacity to bear disappointment and pain is quite high; that there’s no question of my ability to handle that reality. What is harder, however, is accepting things that are good – dreaming on my own behalf. It’s risky…but I’m getting better at it.
Today I sat with those who are teetering dangerously on that edge; who find dreaming to be far too risky. Safety and security are the priorities. I get it. And…I get to stand on the edge with them, knowing what it feels like to teeter, feel like you’re about to fall, and then dive into the abyss – only to discover that it’s not as dark and scary as we’d imagined; rather, that our very dreams are what might just create the loft to get us to the other side, to some new place we couldn’t (or wouldn’t) have imagined.
I’m still afraid to dream. I don’t want to be disappointed – in work, in love, in life. But I also don’t want to settle for less than all that I desire. Somehow, the privilege of seeing others’ fear of dreaming has shown me that I can do even more…on my own behalf, and gratefully, on theirs.
So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable. (Unknown)
