In-between places

I’ve been thinking today about in-between places: between jobs, between relationships, between known and unknown, between security and risk, between want and need, between desire and desperation, between paychecks, between hungry and full, between busy and manic…

I can identify with lots of these. And, though my first response is to wonder what is wrong with me, my second and longer reflection moves me to thinking that being in between may not be so strange, bizarre, or anomaly-like.

I wonder if we aren’t always in between, to some degree.

The problem is we don’t like it – these in-between places. So, we create the binary. We live in black and white. We choose to move to one side or the other vs. holding on to ourselves with balance and calm in the middle. And when we force the choice we ultimately compromise; we let go of the tension and pick, potentially forfeiting what might matter most, what might be more true, more real, more meaningful…

If only we could stay in the in-between. If only I could stay in the in-between. Actually, I think I might be.

I am in-between jobs. The truth is, I don’t want to go back to what I had and I’m as yet unsure about what is ahead. Truly, I want to stay in-between on this one: waiting and wondering and holding on to myself while I envision a future that is undefined by my past.

I am in-between relationships. Divorced for nearly two years now and pursuing/desiring relationship. Though I don’t want to stay here indefinitely, I do want to maintain balance and allow the in-between to somehow offer me both rest and freedom, expression and experience, healing and wholeness. I am aware of what I left behind and I hope much for my future.

I am in-between security and risk. I know what it feels like to have the security of both job and relationship and there is something invigorating and enticing (most of the time) about the unknown: the possibility that risk in both realms will merit me more than I could have asked or imagined.

I am in-between want and need. I usually veer toward want, but I’m thinking more and more intentionally (for myself and my daughters) about making decisions in regard to need. I’ m definitely in-between, feeling the tension, but knowing it’s OK, that it’s teaching me much, that I have much to learn.

In-between places. At least tonight, right now, in this moment, they feel OK. I can stay. I am not afraid.

As I re-read Marilyn Ferguson’s statement above, I realize that there’s something about being between the trapezes that releases me, that frees me, that opens me up to adventure and faith and trust. There’s something about the idea of Linus’ blanket being in the dryer that creates the uncomfortable, but necessary space to grow up, to let go, to become strong. I don’t need something to hold on to. I’m intact. I’m OK. And I’m not afraid.

In-between places. What if they’re good? Mmmm.