Set the thermostat of your life at the temperature that suits you best, and let those around you dress in layers.”
Much of my life has been about constantly adjusting the thermostat for everyone else in the room; morphing myself, my opinions, my thoughts, my words, my behaviors to make things comfortable and controlled. It’s not a question of whether or not this was required of me. (That conversation would take us into vast realms of family dynamics, learned behaviors, and the like.) Suffice it to say, no matter how it came about, I learned well the role of adjusting the temperature–my temperature–on behalf of everyone else.
I’ve gotten increasingly tired of such. These days I don’t want to do it at all! Dress in layers. Manage your own reality. Don’t make me responsible for your comfort!
Don’t misunderstand: this is not about me being belligerent, selfish, or demanding.
Believe me: I’ll offer and give much. Probably more than you know what to do with! Ample and extensive is comfort part of the package deal! Just take responsibility for yourself.
I realize, even as I type these words, that no one is implicitly or explicitly asking me to take responsibility for the thermostat. This is my learned behavior, my pattern, my pathology.
Even as I type these words I realize my tendency, no, total and outright compelling lure, to make things OK (and then some) for those who are in my midst.
Even as I type these words I am aware that this is not all bad…except when I find myself sweltering and suffocating n the heat I’ve enabled for another’s benefit; or when I find myself frigid, freezing, shivering, as I’ve adjusted the climate to another’s cool and oh-so-nonchalant ambiance.
What’s my preferred temperature? Do I even know? And can I/will I keep the climate set there?
It’s important I figure it out. You’ll adjust. Or you won’t. Either way, I’ll be comfortable – and here — ready and willing to share this oh-so-climate-controlled space with you.
This is why electric blankets and fabulous, luxury automobiles allow for dual-control thermostats and individually heated seats.
In lieu of such, I’ll be here – myself – comfortable; and willing to allow you to shed or don layers as necessary.
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this post! It describes my life, my learned behaviors, my unconscious choices, and my discomfort at embracing the “weight and/or temperature” of me.
I have embraced the “hero” role of taking responsibility for other’s “weight and/or temperature” because I held an unconscious belief that then “they” would take responsibility for my “weight and/or temperature”…result – didn’t happen for the most part and I often experienced disappointment, frustration and even hurt. So my new commitment is to learn to get comfortable and embrace my “weight and/or temperature” as my primary responsibility….and to learn to share the space with others who are responsible for their own temperature!
Deborah Exo´s last [type] ..Our Most Important Power
Beautiful, Deb – and a perfect articulation (in only one paragraph) of what I’m trying to both say and live. Always easier said than done – as with all things that matter. But the work of letting others take responsibility for themselves? Old habits die hard! Thanks for being here…for sharing…for being you!
I just made this same decision myself this weekend. This is me. I am not going to ignore you or leave you but this is how and who I am and you will have to make decisions about how and who you are yourself. I can’t do it for you. I can’t make you comfortable with what is going on but you can do it for yourself. If you need help reaching the thermostat, I can give you a boost but I can’t make it what you want.
Nicki´s last [type] ..Appetite – Six Word Friday
Just this weekend, Nicki?!? Goodness, that’s recent. How the climate control working so far?
Ah, the climate control is iffy. It comes and goes but I will stick by it. I think the heat of the 20K I ran did me in on keeping everyone else happy.
Nicki´s last [type] ..Appetite – Six Word Friday
20K! That’s one way to prevent over-management/accommodation: total exhaustion!!! Impressive, Nicki!
Oh Ronna, I LOVE this post. I grew up literally being the double agent in my parent’s thermostat wars – “turn it up, turn it down, I’m hot, I’m cold”…. and I too absorbed so much of the unconscious need to make everyone comfortable. So this metaphor resonates deep in my soul and my psyche. I’ve been slowly finding my own set point, and recognizing that sometimes it’s okay to turn up the heat or just chill out, regardless of what others around me would rather me do – but it takes a long time and a lot of effort to reprogram the thermostat. Maybe we should all consider going back to a simpler manual model?
I have a feeling this post may stir one of my own in a day or two. I’ll be sure to pay my respects to your space that’s always just right!
Renae C.´s last [type] ..Father’s Day Confessions
Yes. Family of origin is the place in which we often learn this first – and well. I’m SO trackin’ with you on this one! And then we repeat the pattern in subsequent relationships – over and over again. To unlearn is long and often painful – because it means that others have to feel their own pain. Ouch!!! Thanks for being here, Renae, for talking, and yes…for letting these words stir up more conversation/writing for you in the days ahead. Can’t wait to read it!
I instantly recognized myself in this post, but I have no idea how to let go of it. Several years ago I discovered the concept of empathy–as in empaths, not just ordinary everyday empathy. For these people, other people’s feelings register more strongly than their own, and they spend their lives absorbing everyone else’s energy, often without realizing it–and, at least in my case, making sure that the people around them are as comfortable as possible. Is it out of altruistic concern or just to get other people’s stronger negative vibes out of your own space? I don’t know! Impossible to tell if it’s generous or selfish! I only know I have this compelling need to make everyone else okay, regardless of how I feel. Because, of course, I can adapt to anything–it’s just important that you be okay. (The endless variant of “I’ll take the crappy piece of chicken.” And how do we reconcile this with what we were taught in Sunday School, women’s Bible Study, and an endless string of sermons–to put other people’s needs before our own?) To all the women who said you’ve decided to stop doing this–how? How do you turn off that instinct/learned behavior, and how do you live with the ire of everyone who has become accustomed to your incessant accommodation?
Lori,
Welcome to the journey. You do it one baby step at a time, sometimes with two or three backward steps in between. With the help of good support people. What you are describing is a huge strength as well as a crippling weakness, it is both generous and selfish, and finding the balance is the work of a lifetime. You slowly stop listening so intently to those old SS lessons and find new and empowering messages in spaces like this. And I think most of all – you learn to listen to your own feelings and honor them, whatever they are. Sometimes you live with the ire, sometimes you rail against it, sometimes it’s not as bad as you expected, sometimes it’s worse.
Sorry Ronna – didn’t mean to jump into your space – but I felt the urge to make Lori comfortable here!
Renae C.´s last [type] ..Father’s Day Confessions
No apologies necessary, Renae. CONVERSATION. CONVERSATION. CONVERSATION! It’s what the space is all about! Grateful for you: your words and your generosity with them.
Aaaaaaauuuugh, Lori! I SO know where you are as it was “home” for me for years and years and years! I think the one phrase that stuck out to me in your comment (and gave me hope for you), however, was this: “I only know I have this compelling need to make everyone else okay, REGARDLESS of how I feel.” Regardless. That’s the key word. When you KNOW how you feel and set such aside on behalf of others, that’s at least an indicator that something else in the works. When you KNOW what you want (or don’t) but don’t articulate or express such REGARDLESS of it being true, if not compelling behavior change, is at least the starting point of noticing. For me, it began with just being able to notice, to acknowledge (only for myself), to pay attention. I didn’t change anything to begin with…just was aware. Eventually I was able to see where I was accommodating because it was expected of me, where it was just my pathology and learned behavior, and where it really was an appropriate and kind response.
As others’ comments state here, it’s a tightrope, for sure. But knowing that you’re walking it makes ALL the difference. Keep walking, Lori! I’m down below, holding the net!
And you did, Renae! Thank you! Like Ronna, I find myself asking, “What’s my preferred temperature? Do I even know?” How do all of you tell, after all these years, what you actually need/want/like? How do you know when it’s the real you and not another learned behavior? I will watch this space with great interest.
Lori,
Writing has helped me – sometimes the words that show up on the page, even if they are not for public consumption, surprise me because my conscious ego won’t let me admit to feeling the way the words tell me I do. And it has been, even to this point, a long hard struggle with several bouts of intense anger and not a few tears – and a time or two I’ve been afraid the tears might never stop. Beyond the writing, a mentor who has walked the path ahead of me, a fabulous therapist/analyst, and a group of supportive friends who get the journey (both in my physical reality and my virtual one) have been essential.
It’s not a journey I would have wanted to make alone.
But Ronna’s right, you can start by just noticing, for yourself, without changing anything. Although, the more you notice, the stronger the urge to change some things will become.
Renae C´s last [type] ..Father’s Day Confessions
Renae, Ronna, and all of you–thank you so much! The support is almost overwhelming, and so encouraging. As a writer, I am familiar with the phenomenon of how writing helps me see things clearly–as Julia Cameron says, “writing rights things.” But sometimes even that is too scary–when I have the nerve to do it honestly, reading back over it can be unnervingly revealing. But it is a mother lode of truth, I tell you. I have longed for a therapist–a psychic, truth be told–who could explain me and my life to me–and then tell me what to do next! I know the “right” answer to that–that I am the only one who can ultimately do this–but still, some help reading the map and interpreting the findings is so useful. Thanks to all of you for speaking up and reaching out. I am learning so much here. Imagine how much power there is in the collective wisdom of a group of like-minded women!
Mmmmm. “The collective wisdom of a group of like-minded women!” Sounds lovely. And it already exists, right? Celebrate. Rest. Speak. Explore. Risk. You are not alone.
Man, oh, man! Right on the head, Ronna–per usual. Like Lori, I recently started identifying myself as an empath. I’m working on shielding myself from others’ negative energy but sometimes it’s really difficult to figure out what you’re emitting and what you’re absorbing.
I too am still trying to figure out what my preferred temperature is….it’s much harder work than I thought it would be.
Alisha´s last [type] ..Selection Sunday
OK…this may be bizarre imagery, but there have literally been times in my life where I’ve had to picture myself as living in a plastic suit – or a bubble. It’s climate-controlled, it cannot be penetrated, and my only responsibility is to make sure that I get through my days aware of everything around me with nothing coming into my space that can puncture or wound. Rather than experiencing it as something over-protective, I have thought of it as learning to see, understand, and experience myself as intact, set-apart, functioning as a separate entity that is not merged with and connected to other entities (translate: people). This may seem strange, but after a lifetime of only understanding myself in relationship to others, I needed some way to understand myself as “apart.” Only when I did – as a differentiated, strong, independent person – was I able to re-enter relational realms and still hold on to myself. And, of course, it’s ongoing. I can still feel the pull, the lure, the learned and oh-so-comfortable craziness of adjusting myself to others. Thankfully, the internal voice has gotten stronger and stronger and I know better. The more I morph, the less of me there is. Now we’re not in relationship. Now we’re in a state of climate control for someone else. That’s NOT relationship.
I could go on and on…I’ll stop – for now.
Yes, Alisha, it’s hard, hard work! And so, so worth it!
Bowen is glowing with pride from some other realm! I love the bubble idea…. such a visual picture of differentiation.
Renae C´s last [type] ..Father’s Day Confessions
I’ll be here – myself – comfortable. I love it! Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks for a great post.
Tracy Todd´s last [type] ..Daddy’s Working Girl
You’re welcome. And, as always, Tracy, honored to have you in the mix!
This is ME. I accommodated because I thought that would guarantee that I would be loved. I gave to make sure I wouldn’t be left. I did for others so much that I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. A turning point came when my mom told me that I was so accommodating that I was annoying.
I have been working on doing for myself – not at the expense of others. But I’m trying to create a healthier balance. I try to remember to put the oxygen mask on myself first. I know when I’m close to achieving balance because I’m less agitated, I’m centered, I feel more at ease, I feel the confidence that comes from gently expressing myself and being heard.
Jesse: This movement is so, so beautiful and, at the same time, I can feel the ache, the slow, slogging progress, the desire to just go back to what felt easy, natural, and offered sense-making. Still, here’s what I know: eventually the tide turns and what once felt effortless (accommodating for others) will feel burdensome; what now feels hard (though right) will become your guiding north star. And even better, ultimately, you will find yourself loved for who you truly are…not for the ease and comfort you create for another. Perhaps not mine to say or offer, but I’m proud of you. And you’re not alone.
Ronna, Your reply brings tears to my eyes. My compass has been telling me, “Show them who you are, they WILL love you.” It feels like a big (the biggest) leap. Your light and encouragement is comforting. Thank you.
Follow that compass, Jesse. It’s pointing you in the direction you most deeply want/need to go. Lovely.
This thermostat war has so many different variables, different looks, and different effects. We see it in so many areas of our lives, but mostly it seems to be about being good enough to be acceptable to someone else. It’s enough to make a person crazy at times.
I hear you, Angie. But here’s what I’ve learned and stuck to: When I start feeling crazy I literally say (sometimes even out loud), “I am not the crazy one. I am not the crazy one. I am not the crazy one.” Those emotions of craziness are the VERY FIRST indicator to me that there’s something else going on – some system, person, or dynamic that is pushing into realms of power vs. valuing/honoring relationship. It’s been super-important for me to be able to step back far enough to recognize it for what it is and then remind myself that I can stay, keep the thermostat where I want it, and not let the heat (or the frigidity) get to me…or at least attempt such.
I have NEVER done this, the thermostat is ALWAYS set for the rest of the household, my life, my ME, is set for the rest of the world/household. When I try and hold the ME up, they look at me and wonder why/who this is…. I’ve had some scary health issues lately and it didn’t phase anyone (except my wonderful cat…), carry on as usual. I am happy to wake up (literally) each glorious morning and to have not died in in the night. I put my clothes on, comb the hair and slog through another day of the same. Your post makes me WANT/NEED to set my thermostat of MY/ME on what I NEED. Thanks for this timely post, everyday, EVERYDAY is a GIFT, as I have learned the hard way.
Mmmm, Annie – clearly, you’ve been through the fire (and the cold). I can see the movement and still feel the part that hesitates, that feels others’ resistance, that knows the default settings all too well. ‘Just know that you’re not alone, that you’re worth the effort, and that when the temp is set for you there is so much for of you to give, offer, and experience!
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