Amazing: you, my sweet, strong, funny, smart, creative, imaginative, sensitive, compassionate, beautiful daughter.
It’s now 3:57 a.m. 10 years ago this night/morning you were born – arriving quickly; almost faster than the doctors could prepare for (but not fast enough for me!) with screams and cries and full of life. Even those first minutes, which now seem so far removed, were indicative of who you are: moving and thinking and feeling almost more quickly than I can prepare for: screaming, crying, laughing, talking, singing, dancing – full of life. Then, now, and every day in between, you have been a gift and, truth be told, have offered me a taste of what it means to live life fully – even when it’s hard.
Just yesterday you expressed the words I often hear you say: “My life is hard.” And though it breaks my heart that this is your experience (and that I, as your mom, can’t just wave a magic wand and fix that reality, or make it go away, or at least change your perspective on it) I am also continually amazed by your ability to say what is true and still keep right on going – full of life.
You are beautifully, profoundly expressive. This last year has brought forth multiple songs (a journal filled with your lyrics), amazing stories (which tell me so much about your heart, your head, your world), and many notes and letters (strategically placed for me to find). Here’s the one I have in the nightstand beside my bed:
Feelings
As you know I feel sad and I just want to run away but I won’t. I also just want to have fun and I really want a hug and kiss. XOXOXOXO. I really love you and I get upset so easy and I hate it but I can’t stop it though I wish I could so so much. But how, how? I LUV YOU, LOVE ABBY.
Dear God, why did it have to be me with all these problems like not eating much food, really, really picky body problems, getting upset easy, and the divorce? Why me? Amen.
Of course, I wish you never felt sad or wanted to run away AND I love that in the midst you want to have fun and can tell me that you need a hug and kiss. Of course, I wish nothing every upset you AND I love that in the midst you will tell me that you love me. Of course, I wish you didn’t experience yourself as having a whole bunch of problems AND I love that you will express your heart to God – with abandon, no censoring, and true, full-of-life questions.
You have had a hard year, sweet girl AND you are brave and incredible in the midst. You have cried and screamed many times, just like at your birth AND you have just as quickly and spontaneously burst into laughter or invited those around you to the same. You are full of life, Abby – all of it…not just the restrained, what-you-think-others-want-to-see kind of life. Though I know that is painful for you, at times, I wish I had learned to do such by the age of 10 vs. 30+ years later. You are stunning, Abby, and I continue to learn from you – every day.
10 years ago this day you came bursting into my life. Every day that has followed you have been a gift and, truth be told, have offered me a taste of what it means to live fully – when it’s excruciating and beautiful, messy and amazing, painful and celebratory, mundane and exciting, noisy and quiet, exhausting and restful, yes, hard and good.
Happy 10th Birthday, Abby. I love you more than I can possibly say, but I’ll keep trying.
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