Good conversation matters. It changes everything.

Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are.

(Dinah Maria Mulock)

Isn’t this what we all want? Regardless of the relational context, it is our deepest hope and strongest longing. And for me, its measure is found in the context of conversation.

I can state this with surety because I’ve been in far too many relationships where such hasn’t been true. I’ve not felt safe, I’ve weighed my thoughts and measured my words. I have not been able to be myself. At least not consistently. Conversation was strained.

• It was not my experience (especially toward the end) in my marriage.
• It was far too infrequently my experience in the church.
• It has often not been the case in professional realms where words, appearances, and politics have mattered more than relationships themselves.
• It has not been representative (enough) of my relationship with God.
• And it has not nearly enough of the time defined even my thoughts and feelings about myself.

So when I read this quote I am instantly struck by two things: 1) Sadly, how familiar I am with uncomfortable, inauthentic, or nonexistent conversation, and 2) that this is, at least in part, why I work so passionately on behalf of conversation today; why I am so committed to telling the truth.

If I’m not in good and stimulating conversation it probably means I don’t feel understood or worse, I feel unsafe. My words carry too much risk and so I am tentative, I edit, I censor, or I fight. (This is not to say that all conversation has to be agreeable. I LOVE iron-sharpening-iron dialogues that have sparks flying and TONS of passion!)

If I’m not telling the truth in conversation it’s probably on behalf of another’s comfort, not my own. That’s gotten me into trouble way too many times. It has caused me more discomfort than I care to remember. Lessons learned.

It’s unrealistic to expect that any of us will only know good, healthy, or even easy conversations. There will always be relationships that are harder than others – complete with hard, hard conversations or even worse, none at all. But it is significant and wise to be able to discern the difference between the two. Further, as much as we can, to be able to nurture, cherish, and strengthen the ones that offer us the goodness we deserve and honesty we long for.

Good conversation matters. It changes everything.

I’m curious:

Where or with whom do you feel the safest in conversation?
Where or with whom do you weigh your thoughts and measure your words?
Where or with whom can you pour them all out, just as they are?

Good, provocative, and truth-filled conversation is what I most need. It’s what most love. And it’s what I offer. Learn more.

Good conversation matters. It changes everything.

“‘My idea of good company…is the company of clever, well-informed people, who have a great deal of conversation; that is what I call good company.’ ‘You are mistaken,’ said he gently, ‘that is not good company, that is the best.’”

(Jane Austen in Persuasion)

Tagged as: authenticity, censoring, church, conversation, desire, editing, God, marriage, passion, Relationships, safety, truth, voice

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