I had a great conversation today with a woman who inspires and encourages me. We haven’t talked for nearly a year but in two hours together I left feeling filled, motivated, and compelled. Given that those emotions have been hard to come by lately, I’m deeply grateful.
I am in this tenuous space of trying to make a go of entrepreneurialism. It’s what I most want and what I most fear. It’s what feels most true for me and causes me to doubt myself more than anything else. It lands me in places that show me my most profound strength and drops me into spaces of depraved insecurity.
Faith is what’s needed. In the process. In myself. In the truth.
Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof.
(Kahlil Gibran)
The Process:
It takes time to build a business – relationships, product, credibility, integrity, trust. No matter the get-rich-quick promises, the coaching packages that guarantee my success, or the step-by-step e-courses that speak to lists, SEO optimization, and sure-fame (none of which I’m critiquing or faulting), it ultimately comes down to the product I’m truly selling/promoting/offering – which is me. And here’s the thing: I doubt me. I doubt my value, my worth, my words, my commitments, my messaging. Faith is what’s needed – in this process of building, growing, and creating. It feels like deep therapy: having faith in a process that is ultimately my own process, my own building, my own growth, my creating of myself. This is not a collection of principles and how-to’s. This is me. I am in process. Indeed, faith is critical and necessary.
Me:
I was aware today of how little faith I place in myself; how plagued I am by self-doubt. No matter my words to the contrary – my talk of desire, strength, and hope, I feel vast levels of insufficiency, irrelevance, panic, and dread much of the time. Phrases flit through my brain and make their way to my heart: “You do not have anything of worth to offer.” “What in the world were you thinking when you imagined supporting yourself (and your daughters) on these ideas and concepts?” “Just because you think something’s interesting or important doesn’t even remotely mean that anyone else agrees.” “You’re crazy to think that you have what it takes to succeed.” And these are just scratching the surface! Were I to continue you would hear things that are far less about business and far more about my deepest, age-old insecurities. They rear their ugly heads in times of fear. They are familiar. And I fight to keep them at bay. Faith is what’s needed – in myself. Gratefully, as I stagger and reel, sustenance and strength is offered by the voices of others and by the sometimes faint, but ever-stronger and more accurate voices I do know within. They remind me that I am in process. Indeed, faith is invited and offered.
Truth:
I’ve been stunned by how easy it is to believe the lies. Yes, those internal messages articulated above, but also the larger, conceptual un-truths that cause me to lose my footing, mistrust my judgment, and question my own voice. I speak often of the know-that-I-know-that-I-know place within me; that internal messaging and innate knowledge that resonates in my soul. For me, these take form in conversations about faith, the feminine, and telling the truth. Ironically, they are also the very spaces in which I quickly doubt. “Does faith matter?” “Is all this talk of the feminine, feminism, the Sacred Feminine worth it?” “And telling the truth? Does it invite any more than just misunderstanding and pain?” Believe me, I know better. I really do. But in spaces of doubt (or un-faith), I have to at least acknowledge that the questions exist in my mind and heart. Faith is what’s needed – in the truth. It has not let me down in the past – this belief in and commitment to my truth. It has compelled hard conversations, difficult decisions, relational endings. It is not a once-and-for-all tenet. It constantly shifts, changes, morphs, and develops. Truth is in process. I am in process. Indeed, faith is wanted and desired.
I do not write any of this to solicit words to bolster my self-confidence or my faith. Both are (relatively) intact. I write to somehow speak of faith as fluid, ever-changing, and dynamic. It’s not a set of precepts or a dogma we can just ascribe to. It’s not a once-size-fits-all downloadable program. It’s living and breathing. It’s sometimes illusive. It’s always in process. And it’s beautiful and profound in its manifestation, its seduction, its call.
My conversation this morning with Michelle merited much fruit; certainly this post, but yet another compelling step – forward movement. I’m going to create an e-book. There. I said it. Faith, present and accounted for!!! Her voice, combined with many (many) others, has invited me to indeed, have faith in this ongoing process, in myself, in the truth – and to write it down, make it available, trust its impact and value…trust my impact and value! Stay tuned. It’s on the way. Faith made manifest!
Yes…that rumble you hear is my my heart beating way too fast and my entire body shaking as I type the words “e-book” on this screen; words I’ve barely whispered and been scared to articulate with any level of commitment, confidence, or faith – in the process, in myself, in the truth. ‘Time to do more than talk. Time to show up, trust, believe.
Time to have faith in faith.
But wait, there’s more:
These are the conversations I love to have – ones that provide sustenance, substance, and soul. Four ways you can have them too:
- Join A Conversational Space: an intentional, sustenance-filled space for women with all kinds of amazing stuff going on, including today’s interview with the oh-so-amazing, Danielle LaPorte.
- Get a nurture-your-soul hit of this and more by subscribing to the weekly RENEGADEconversations Newsletter.
- Subscribe to the Blog. Posts (about) three times a week on Faith, the Feminine, and Telling the Truth.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Ronna, thank you for your willingness and courage to be open & honest about the feelings of vulnerability. I’m with you: I’ve felt them too. I also wonder whether you’re finding a way through this in addition to boldly stepping out and declaring the faith? I salute the boldness – and yet, the voice of fear will not be silenced by it.
My friend Larry has done much work in the area of cultivating a different relationship with difficult thoughts, and we’re working alongside each other, differently yet together, with the intention of helping people heal themselves in the core of their being with unconditional love. You may wish to have a look at his Silent Mind site, at thesilentmind.wordpress.com
In the meantime, I’m looking forward to your e-book. Go you!
Love & blessings to you, Josie
Josie´s last blog ..Faffing, feedback & friendship
Thanks, Josie. ‘Appreciate your kindness and support. And yes, the voice of fear persists. But when I can recognize it for what it is, I am also then even more able to listen to the voice inside: the voice of faith. On some level, I am grateful for the fear; it reminds me that faith (and confidence, and assurance , and the powerful and supportive voices of others) is needed.
And I’ll look at Larry’s work.
I’m grateful for you!
So many times this past week, as the reality of “the end” of what has been my financial security propels ever so fast toward me, I have thought of you and your leaps of faith. I am scared….deathly afraid. I have seen in your writings where you have been just as fearful so many times. Fear of the unknown. Fear of actually attempting to live our dreams. Fear of taking a leap off of a high cliff into the unknown waters below.
And yet faith remains. Faith of knowing that we will be alright. That our worst fears aren’t that horrible in the grand scheme of things. That moving toward our dreams is the right thing to do.
Breathe. Write. Dream. Do.
Thanks, Angie. And…back at ya: Breathe. Write. Dream. Do.
I know this is a long one–but it’s one of my favorite quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt. For me it has become an arm around the shoulder. Imagine how wonderful it will be when you (all of us) spend more of our consciousness on creative lives than the fear that keeps us from them.
“The encouraging thing is that every time you meet a situation, though you may think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it you find that forever after you are freer than you ever were before. If you can live through that you can live through anything. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself, `I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’
The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it. If you fail anywhere along the line, it will take away your confidence. You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
You Learn By Living (1960), 29-30
Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave´s last undefined ..Response cached until Wed 9 @ 15:44 GMT (Refreshes in 3.90 Hours)
So beautiful, Juli. I had actually not read this one of hers before and will, of course, now be saving/using it! And yes! “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Absolutely! Thank you.
Thank you for your comment on my blog. Faith has been following me around today. I had to go out this afternoon and had a browse in my favourite bookshop. I only picked up one book – The Deeper Secret. I read the back cover and then let the book fall open. At the top of the page was the word … Faith! And a paragraph all about trust and faith!
Nicola´s last blog ..21.5.800 day 2: people are trying to tell me something
Ooooh. Love when that happens!!
Ronna, The following sent off bells for me as a message to share with you: “…far more about my deepest, age-old insecurities. They rear their ugly heads in times of fear. They are familiar. And I fight to keep them at bay.” What if you didn’t? (fight to keep them at bay?) What if you were able to simply be curious? What if you had a conversation with them? What if you simply sat with them and let them sit with you? What if you said, “Thank you. I’m curious. What are you trying to protect me from? You’ve done such an amazing job of protecting me. Can we talk about this?” Open a dialogue. Put it on paper. Say thank you to the parts who are doing their best, perhaps based on old programs or instructions. And talk to them. Take your strength and your gift, turn it on that part of yourself that seems so troubling. Bring it into the conversational circle. Let it have its say. Your protectors are there to protect you. You don’t have to squash them or get rid of them. You just have to talk to them, get them to work WITH you and your dreams and your purpose instead of against it. I know…it’s a lesson I have to keep learning over and over again. But it merits consideration I think. Blessings sister.
Bobbye Middendorf
The Write Synergies Guru
P.S. I would love to support you on your book journey. That is part of the magic I do for/with people.
Bobbye Middendorf´s last blog ..Goldilocks Comes to YOUR Business
This is so beautiful, Bobbye, and SO timely. In fact, another person said something very similar to me (in an “unrelated” context) just recently – making a date with my “gremlins” and talking to them. Yes. Yes. Yes. I’m with you on all this and grateful for your kind, gracious, and wise words.
Ronna: You have no idea how your words always encourage me. Push me forward, help me believe, give me strength and faith. Your truth-telling helps me to know that my own truth is OK. That I am on the right path, that there are others walking beside me with the same fears, the same doubts.
But knowing that we are there, together, is reason enough to believe.
Thank you my friend! And hugs to you on your journey. Know that you have our support and love!
Shawna Cevraini´s last blog ..Cafe Cevraini – 10 Daily Things!
Thank you, Shawna. Your words are timely and much-appreciated – as is your constant and affirming presence.
Maybe the waters you fear will be womblike, warm, and welcoming, Angie. Maybe the space in which you are about to land will be the most nurturing and restful you have known. Maybe the very faith you’ve demonstrated in taking this leap will be the thing that enables you to soar. I’m pretty sure…
Yep. Me, too. I have a feeling once the panic melts, the sense of flying free is going to be amazing…as is the view.
{ 3 trackbacks }