This comment appeared on my recent post, Desire is all that matters:
“Why name desire when it will only lead to ambivalence, despair and heartache? It is cruel to awaken someone to desire – only to tell them it is illicit and toxic.”
- I want to honor and commend the fact that the question was stated at all. It’s not unfamiliar – to me, or others. Thank you.
- I want you to know that you are absolutely right: it is cruel to awaken someone to desire – only to tell them it is illicit and toxic. Horribly cruel. Beyond my comprehension (though not beyond my awareness or even experience).
- I want you to know that, at least in my opinion, nearly-DNA-deep-desire cannot be illicit and toxic. Another’s experience of our desire may be a different story, but that has no bearing or influence on its inherent beauty, power, and goodness.
- I want you to know that I’d rather be consumed by ambivalence than live in absolutes: right/wrong, either/or, black/white. I’d rather know heartbreak every day than never know love – even when ended. I’d rather feel despair every day than never know hope – even when dashed.
- I want you to know that desire awakened in harmful, abusive ways is still desire; no less beautiful, no less real. In and of itself, it cannot be made smaller, less-than, or wrong.
- I want you to know that the process of unraveling the beauty from the beast, the sacred from the sin (of the perpetrator), the gift from the grievousness is excruciating, long, arduous, and often endless. My heart breaks…and when it does, I lean into my next point:
- Desire, in and of itself, is always good. It cannot not be. I cannot be convinced otherwise. It remains intact, even when covered by layers of unfounded shame, inexplicable hurt, and deep wounding.
- We cannot always, if ever, name desire all at once. We get glimpses and glimmers of it now and then – and sometimes over many years. We experience relationships that inflame it and, even if they disappoint, still remind us that what we want is good, worth having, worth desiring. We hear a piece of music or watch a film and find ourselves deeply moved, crying, aching and we know that some deep nerve has been touched, some spark ignited. Each of these are echoes, reminders, and searchlights of desire – speaking, longing to be heard, patiently waiting.
- I want you to know that I still believe in Wendy Farley’s statement: “Desire is the absurdity that holds open the infinity of possibility.” I believe it because it reminds me that desire is crazy, that it will be seen as crazy, and that it’s the only thing that enables me to hold on to hope, possibility, infinity…
- I want you to know that I hear your desire even in your question; that I ache, that I care, and that my desire on your behalf will endure – because that’s what desire does.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
“I’d rather know heartbreak every day than never know love” YES! It has taken me a long time to even begin to embrace this but I’m saying yes.
I’m so glad, Allysa. Yes…it does take a long time – and the work of it is infinite – but so worth it!!!
Funny. I have the exact same line copied and ready to paste: “I’d rather know heartbreak every day than never know love” with a completely different response. The romantic/mystic/spirit in me agrees but the human in me, who took nearly 7 long years to recover from true heart-break wonders if we could bear that for a life time. Curling up around someone who know longer loves us. Watching them leave behind home and family to love another. Having to recreate a life you had no desire to abandon.
I wonder if we truly mean that. Heartbreak every day than never knowing love. I suppose it requires defining “love”. If that is the larger expanse of love, maybe. I still don’t know. And this is coming from a very peaceful, healed place.
And by desire you mean the wanting of anything, correct and not sexual desire only?
Thanks for writing, Ronna!
Kelly
It’s a fine line, right Kelly? Of course, we don’t want to have to bear heartbreak every day – nor are we called to such. But for the sake of dramatic comparison, it makes the point: love matters…experiencing it matters…continuing to desire it (which is where I was going) matters. And I’m so totally with you on the recovery component. Though in my case, I was the one who chose to end things, to ask the other to walk away, to choose to recreate family and life, the grief and heartbreak occurred for YEARS before I had the courage and strength to make that decision.
At least in this post, and the one called “Desire is all that matters” what I am speaking to is the part of me that longs for myself and others to remain alive to desire – to want, to hope, to have faith, to love – despite the risks and craziness inherent. What I experience, all too often, is a shutting/clamping down because the prospect of acknowledging desire (or want/hope/faith/love) feels too fraught with risk – and so we live less-than, boundaried lives. I’m advocating for out-loud, truth-tellling lives – full of risk.
(And yes…”desire” defined as the deep-in-your-soul awareness of what you most want and hope for…not the sexual component only.)
Thanks for sharing your own experience and reflection. SO appreciate that – and you!
Thank you, Ronna! That reply clarified some things for me. “I’m advocating for out-loud, truth-telling lives – full of risk.”. ME TOO!
Though I failed for a long time to believe in love or my own spirit, I never failed to desire it. And I think that is what you are saying.
In the end, of course, I found it, and more of myself along the way.
I think the more heartbreaks and disappointments we experience, the harder we struggle with accepting our desire as “in and of itself, is always good” and the more courage we exhibit when we listen to our desires.
When I was younger (more innocent) I didn’t question my desires, I didn’t have any sense of a need to question them, to constantly wonder if I was wanting too much or the wrong thing or if my desires were unrealistic. I just innately believed that if I followed my heart, everything would work out. Wisdom, I suppose, is learning how to follow that call of your heart (that bone deep desire) even knowing that everything may not work out… at least, not the way you think you want… but knowing, even more so, that everything WILL work out in the larger sense. Because even though following the lure of my desires has sometimes led to hurt and unrest, each time I find the courage to enter the quest, I gain a stronger understanding of myself and my own strength. I also learn what truly matters to me.
Shauntelle´s last blog ..Just feel…
So beautiful, Shauntelle. Thanks for articulating all of that here. Indeed, it’s a sort-of wizened return to innocence – to the belief that what I desire is justified, assumed, and worth pursuing. Always, always easier said than done. Always, always with cost. And always, always with powerful reward. Thank you.