And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore.
(Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year)
Sometimes, truth-be-told, we’re not always as ready to leave our desert(s) as others would have us be. They feel their own hot sands when we do not quickly return to being who they need us to be, who they have become familiar with: that upbeat, encouraging, all-things-to-all-people, always-has-her-sh**-together,”fixer.” Sorry, maybe that’s just my experience…
During this season of Lent, I am thinking of the desert. Yesterday on why and how we attempt to flee. Today on how and why I might stay. Frankly, there are few places where I can be brutally honest with my feelings, my emotions, my heart – and not feel the need to protect anyone else from those truths.
The desert gives me space to roam, to scream, to rage, to burn. I need that. I want that. I have that. Yes, the wilderness has a wild beauty. And when there, I become more of one: wild, beautiful, honest, true, me.
Maybe the process of revealing my shadow-side is not so that it can be healed or changed; rather so that it can be revealed – period.
…to take what we find in the shadows of our lives and craft what never before has been seen.
(Jan Richardson, In Wisdom’s Path)
For your reflection:
- Can you relate to Anne Lamott’s words; places where you didn’t want to – or couldn’t – just pick up the pieces?
- How acutely do you feel the desert when you are “required” to not be in it for others’ sake?
- What might it be like for you to just stay in a place that lets you feel and be all you, no matter what it looks like to/for others – even for a season? To roam, to scream, to rage, to burn. To reveal your shadow-side?
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And so I wonder…does God REALLY give me permission for it to be all about me for a season…or not? Can I REALLY stay? It DOES take a while. I may wallow, for example, in the emotions social networking has stirred up in the last year as I start reconnecting with people I had to say good-bye to 20 years ago, but in reality…I need to be present and available to the spouse I chose and children I made…can a homeschooling mother of three REALLY take time to answer these kind of questions?
Jenny Wells´s last blog ..jewellspring: @propellarhead http://twitpic.com/14f7et – Where y’all going? This in-between place is a killer.
Jenny: I read this and so wish I was sitting across a table from you – with coffee or wine – able to just talk. It’s not black and white, either/or where spouse, children, and responsibility is concerned. I would not ever say that navigating those sands is easy. Those are deserts (both beautiful and aching) in and of themselves. But were we able to sit and talk longer, I’d give you my perspective on God’s heart, God’s perspective about you…time for you…seasons for you. In short, YES you can REALLY stay and that’s exactly where God will meet you, show up in profoundly intimate ways, and not be in any hurry to be anyplace else. Thanks for being so vulnerable and revealing the “shadow” of what it means to try and find ourselves in the midst of all else we balance. Deserts, all. And wild beauty: you.
I guess after my “confession” yesterday I can totally relate to not being able to pick up the pieces. I am working on it and feel much better having admitted such to myself and to you all.
The desert calls us, even when others think we should be elsewhere. I really relate to your “that upbeat, encouraging, all-things-to-all-people, always-has-her-sh**-together,”fixer.”” statement. I need to get away from that. I try to hide the down, sh** all over the place person from others. When I have let her out, it scares some people. I should know they are not met to be if they cannot handle all of the me there is.
I am a bit scared to rage constantly, although my kids would probably say I do it quite well. I am trying to stay with that place, that person more.
Nicki´s last blog ..Carriage House Cafe, Ithaca – Review
I’m totally trackin’ with you, Nicki. Like you, I was afraid that I’d rage (or cry) constantly if I finally stopped being all-things to all-people; but in reality, those emotions weren’t as torrential or scary as I’d imagined. And you’re MORE THAN RIGHT when you say that you need to be with people who can handle all of you – and WANT that. I have often feared that I’m “too much.” A man once said to me, “You’re not too much, Ronna. You’re a lot, no doubt about it; but that’s quite different.” Ah, that was like water in the desert.
Thanks for sharing yourself so candidly. I appreciate you.
Thank you, Ronna.
Jenny Wells´s last blog ..jewellspring: @propellarhead http://twitpic.com/14f7et – Where y’all going? This in-between place is a killer.
I can very much relate to this in that “I AM SOOOO THERE!!” way. But I have no idea what that would even look like or how to give myself that permission. It’s sort of like telling someone they have permission to build a goovleshwitz and all you can do is say “wow, that sounds cool but I have no idea what that is”
Makeesha:You can build a goovleshwitz! And you already know how, already have all the necessary tools, already have all the necessary skills. Undoubtedly the desert will offer you wisdom – as will your fellow travelers. Build! Create! Be!!!
And I must say: I’ve never heard that word before…but will now be using it! Thank you!
I made it up just then LOL
makeesha´s last blog ..Desert truth continued… | RENEGADEconversations
hey mak! good to ‘see you’ here in yet another common sphere
i’m glad to know i’m in good company in the desert, even if some of the scenery sucks. i only wish we didn’t live across the country from one another, so that we could sit down, share a Cactus Cocktail, and allow each other some wide open spaces for expression.
ronna- i got some pretty visceral reactions yesterday, after linking to this blog post from my Facebook status. in fact, the responses to my honesty/vulnerability were ‘fast and furious’ enough to prompt the beginnings of a blog post. coming soon…
lauren martin gauthier´s last blog ..Home Sweet Home(bound)
Gee! I’d best go to your FB page and see what’s up! ‘Would love for them to come over here and comment directly! Bring it! And “visceral” reactions? LOVE those! They matter!! Thanks, Lauren. Can’t wait to read your post!
well, most of the responses (save maybe 1 or 2) were actually generated privately, as opposed to right there on my wall. i got a little bit of a sense that people though i was ‘acting out’ or trying to gain attention through a ‘dramatic gesture’ or something- and so they took it low-key to save me from sounding any more ‘desperate’ than i already did
home from work early, and getting started on that blog post NOW!
lauren martin gauthier´s last blog ..Home Sweet Home(bound)
Can’t wait to see the post, Lauren. And I have to say…’makes me sad that your honest reflections are potentially seen as dramatic gestures. Your voice (and emotions) are yours. Some desert space for you…I’m with you.
Your post is beautiful, Lauren. And more than anything: honest, true, you. No matter what, no matter the desert, speak your truth. It matters. And you’re not alone.
not sure it’s my most articulate post of all time, but it’s up: http://www.somethingglorious.blogspot.com
lauren martin gauthier´s last blog ..Home Sweet Home(bound)
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