I’m reading a book called Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The wisdom of grief, fear, and despair by Miriam Greenspan. Recommended by Julie Daley, it’s hardly a light read. Every page, if not paragraph has me taking out my highlighter and swiping through yet another important concept.
At a high altitude, I’m in total agreement with the content in this book; the acknowledgment and even welcoming of all emotions – light and “dark.” I’ve learned – through my own life (and plenty of excellent therapy) that I can’t have one without the other. Greenspan says this,
We can’t laugh heartily unless we know how to cry. We can’t be fearless unless we know the taste of fear. We can’t be happy if we’re afraid to feel sad. Our faith is not faith until it’s tested. To be at peace, we have to be at home with all our emotions, to get comfortable with vulnerability.
I inhale when I read these words. Sometimes gasping…trying to catch my breath with the poignancy and pain of their truth. At other times, when I’ve known the laughter, happiness, faith, and peace, it’s like a deep draught of fresh air – filling my lungs with health, strength, and even more hope.
Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow, for sure: I’m gasping.
Grief that threatens to overwhelm. Disappointment that has caught me off guard and knocked me to the ground. Sadness that feels too heavy to let in. Heartache I can barely stand to speak out loud.
Still, I keep breathing. This I have learned. I do not drown. I continue to hope.
I have learned that even in the midst of pain, I will laugh again. I will be fearless. I will have faith. I will know peace. And I will continue to hope.
I also have learned that it’s not all or nothing. Even this day, with anguish hot on my trail, I laughed – at myself and others. I felt fearless – even if only for minutes at a time. I had much faith – in what I know is yet ahead in EVERY aspect of my life. And I will know peace yet tonight (after one more glass of wine, my beautiful girls in bed, quiet descending, sleep quickly overtaking).
So, here I sit – knowing my past, feeling my present, yes, hoping for my future and choosing. Will I shut down and deny how much I hurt or, as my former therapist and Miriam Greenspan would say, let myself be healed through my own dark emotions?
The answer, I know, is the latter. I can’t not. I’ve learned. I’ve been healed – time and time again. I will find comfort, rest, release, and even (maybe especially) beautiful companionship in this unexpected and yet oh-so-familiar dark place.
It’s not all academic, these words. I will cry – more than I already have. I will ask the unanswerable, “Why?” I will rage and fume and blame. I will cry some more. And I will settle my heart into a season of quiet, reflection, self-kindness, and tender, tentative hope.
Deep breaths. Less gasping. Heavy sighs. Knowing. Feeling. Everything. And always, always hoping.
You can hold back from the suffering of the world…but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering that you could have avoided.
(Franz Kafka)
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
that which does not kill you, makes you stronger.
.-= Paddy´s last blog ..Star cursed lovers =-.
True, I think. But strength isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. In this instance, I think what doesn’t kill me will serve to make me more tender. At least that’s my hope. Thanks, Paddy.
perhaps then a suitable revision would be, that which does not kill me allows me to grow?
.-= Paddy´s last blog ..Star cursed lovers =-.
Yes, that works for me, Paddy, and feels true.
Excellent! I had to read it again! Grief does threaten to overwhelm! Disappointment has so brought me to the ground.
I love your quote from Greenspan, “We can’t laugh heartily unless we know how to cry. We can’t be fearless unless we know the taste of fear. We can’t be happy if we’re afraid to feel sad. Our faith is not faith until it’s tested. To be at peace, we have to be at home with all our emotions, to get comfortable with vulnerability.”
I keep wanting to run from sadness, because I fear it will engulf me. Yet I am learning it is healing to cry.
I recently watched the movie, “When Nietzsche Wept”. It was so good! It was about a psychoanalyst and philosopher, and their healing and friendship. View it if you haven’t already.
Thank YOU for all your words and encouragement!!! I will laugh even if it’s only for moments right now. I will be strong. ~Renee
Thank you, Michelle. I know of what you speak: wanting to run from sadness, the fear of being engulfed, and learning the healing your tears bring. Stay there. You’re not alone. I know of the movie but have not watched it. I will. Thank you again.
Sigh … Yes. Reminds me of Camus’s comment about finding our summer in the depth of our winter … Or Gibran on the ability to contain more joy if sorrow has carved into our being. I dismissed Gibran for years, for being hackneyed, but that one image really sticks with me …
The idea of faith being what carries us through… That’s what I’m turning over lately, constantly, and I think it’s so right – now the challenge: identifying and owning that faith internally!!
As usual, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Lindsey. As has been true in my past is true again: faith comes unbidden and embodied in the flesh and voices of others – Camus, Gibran, you. I’m grateful.
As you have said to me many times here, extend yourself some grace in that dark place. Slowly, let it come to help you with your grief, sadness, fear. It is not easy, as I am finding, but it does help to have that little light there with you in the dark.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..One Month Into That New Year =-.
Yes, grace – and faith – and hope. They definitely sit alongside me. Often, as I said to Lindsey, embodied in the voices of others. Thanks, Nicki.
Everything that we experience in life is complimentary. One cannot exist without the other.
.-= Walter´s last blog ..Who is to blame? =-.
Definitely agreed. Thanks, Walter.
Beautiful, Ronna. Reading Miriam’s book allowed me to finally see the suffering I was experiencing because I behaved as if I didn’t experience the range of emotions I do experience. Thank you for sharing your experience as you travel through Miriam’s words. Blessings.
.-= Julie´s last blog ..On The Edge Of Wholeness =-.
Thank you for recommending the book. It’s lovely in the midst of being both difficult and true.
Thank you for the chat last night, and thank you for this post. I’ve have to reread it again tonight when I return from work..
Earlier today I wrote about wanting life to be fair. But life gives us what it gives us. We have to wear our big girl panties and deal with it. Too often I try to deal with it by kicking and screaming. It dawned on me this morning that I need to deal more simply…and quietly. But I’ll let you read it on your own rather than trying to recall it here!
Thanks again for your boldness to tell your story, Ronna. It matters to many that you do.
.-= Coral´s last blog ..The Fairness of Life =-.
You’re welcome. And thank you, again.
When my Dad agreed to teach me to ice skate he told me, “You will never learn to skate unless you expect to fall down. But while you are learning, I’ll be here to pick you up.”
It took me years after his death to catch that the second part was as important to him to give me as the first. Pushing off into the dark, the fearful is somehow easier when I believe there is love to help me up after a fall.
.-= Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave´s last blog ..Ready to Roll =-.
So beautiful, Julianne: the metaphor and the gift of who spoke it to you. Thank you. Indeed, your father was right.
I am moved by Greenspan’s words and by your reactions to them. Such powerful reminders that we are not defined by any single moment or emotion. We are matrices of matrices, with different sparks firing at different times. May you soon find the light to complement the darkness.
.-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..Revisiting the Woodpecker =-.
Thank you, Kristen. Yes, so much complexity – and beauty in the midst. Definitely, I know much light in the midst of darkness. And I am deeply grateful.
This is a beautiful post. Truer words never spoken…we live them, every single moment.
.-= Suzicate´s last blog ..Whine Or Wine, Which Is It? =-.
Thank you. Truth – no matter its context – always has its own beauty, doesn’t it?
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