Comments on: Compliance and/or Exile. The choice is clear. Or is it?

By: Wound-Licking, Truth-Telling, and Under-the-Bed-Clearing « Superior Performance Wellness

Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:03:47 +0000

[...] in fact now free, why after four years did Ronna’s Detrick’s Renegade Conversation on Compliance and/or Exile leave my throat swollen shut and my eyes puffy and wet? Why did Trey Morgan’s simple question [...]

By: Ronna Detrick

Ronna Detrick — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:25:08 +0000

Julianne: I love that you know where/how to draw this line. That has taken time, faltering, tentativeness, perseverance, and much courage – no doubt. And the line continues to move, as well, doesn’t it? Yes…some non-negotiables and then a whole bunch of situational and relational realities that test these poles of compliance and acceptance. And I love the concept of knots – the tension we feel when in the midst of something. Maybe that’s one of the “lines” or markers: when we feel that tension, that tied-up-ness, something has to give and chances are good we’re being tugged toward compliance. Our deeper, wiser, and even more rebellious self begins to tug and we feel pulled in at least two different directions. It’s a journey, a process, an ongoing reality. I’m super grateful that your words offer your clear expression and acknowledgment of yourself in that mix. For so many, even the awareness is hard to come by, let alone movement and change. Thank you for naming your own lines, as well as showing that they continue to be drawn – and erased – and sketched – and tied/untied whether 15, 26, your age, or your mom’s at 85. Ah, the life of a woman.

By: Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave

Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 12:21:21 +0000

You have such a wonderful way of voicing those knots we have all been bound by. As I watch my daughters 15 & 26 at different stages of womanhood–and my mother, nearly 85 and still trudging–I see more clearly the path I have walked, stumbled and flown on. And where my steps now may take me.
Much of this path has to do with compliance. The human urge for acceptance is so very powerful. And yet the strength gained in one’s faithfulness to one’s beliefs becomes stronger. This creates that tension within, I believe. The tension that mounts until something has to yield.
For me, I have been blessed to come to an awareness that drawing that cosmic line works. I am willing to lead my life in general compliance. I am generally able to behave within societal norms–restraining both pen and tongue. But there is a line that I have drawn–in fat paint strokes. When that line is crossed–any notion of compliance is gone–no matter what level of societal shock it causes.
Functionally this means I will listen to anyone. Always. My frequent response is “uh huh.” Until the line is crossed. Injustice, hatred, maliciousness, vindictiveness–bang–over my line. At that point I have been known to give my opinion. In my “outside” voice. Amazing how shocking some find it to be told, “‘Mean people Suck’ is my favorite bumper-sticker and you just qualified.” Or, “Can you possibly believe what you just said–I hope not.”

So in my circle of family and friends I am known. Known for non-compliance in some circumstances. For much of my life I felt conflicted about that. The tug toward the acceptance really is strong. But then the years of knowing that the non-compliance is–really truly–who I am–and actually who I am loved for being.

First, do no harm. I don’t ever want to be a “mean people” myself. But voicing what I believe to be right–that eases the tension knot until it finally becomes untied. The lines of compliance and rebellion are able to co-exist.
Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave´s last blog ..Flying Off

By: Ronna Detrick

Ronna Detrick — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 03:58:26 +0000

Yes. Yes. And yes again, Shauntelle. In my own experience, the “lies” became more of a desert than the truth could ever have been. And no less risky or cost-filled, it was (and continues to be) filled with such important movement, so many amazing companions, and no…not alone. Nor are you – or your friend.

By: Shauntelle

Shauntelle — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 03:49:51 +0000

“The choice is clear…”

I’ve spent a lot of today talking about this with a close friend. She too struggles with speaking her truth and often berates herself for what she calls her tendency to “lie.” We both talked about our struggles to be true to ourselves, to grow into wholeness by accepting our shadow parts… and we talked a bit about this idea… that being true to ourselves (speaking our truth) would lead to exile.

I think that’s just fear speaking. Sure, some truths will disturb some people, but often (at least in my personal experience), when we dare to speak our truths and to unfetter ourselves… we find that it’s only a BIG experience to US. Yes, I’m certain there are certain cases where it is in another’s favor for us to keep silent… where there is a dysfunctional cycle occurring in which our silence benefits the other and they don’t want to see us change… but most often, I think when we are courageous enough to speak our truth, we find companions… and give others the courage to speak more of their truth too.

Maybe we do take ourselves to the desert when we choose to speak our truths… but I do not think this is necessarily exile. Perhaps we are instead following in the footsteps of our desert ammas and abbas… going to the one silent place to find our true voice and leaving those things that can distract us behind… and like them, we will find ourselves not alone at all…
Shauntelle´s last blog ..You made it to the other side…

By: Ronna Detrick

Ronna Detrick — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 01:47:21 +0000

Of course, Lindsey, I’m humbled such is so. And…I’m right there with you. As I said to Karen, always easier written than lived.

By: Ronna Detrick

Ronna Detrick — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 01:46:42 +0000

Always easier to write, than live, Karen. Feel free to read between the lines on anything here and just assume I’m struggling with the very same thing! Preachin’ to the choir!!! From an objective, not-in-the-middle-of-it perspective of course the choice is clear; but that’s not our day to day life. I get it…and it helps me to be reminded of what I’m sacrificing in either choice. What is lost? What is gained? What is hidden? What is exposed? Where am I graciously choosing “yes?” Where am I under-the-surface resentful? All tough…

That’s why grace (for self, for others, and from others) matters SO much!

By: Lindsey

Lindsey — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:27:53 +0000

This is such an excellent, crystalline distillation of the central tension in my life. Thank you.
Lindsey´s last blog ..The Sum of Our Days

By: Square-Peg Karen

Square-Peg Karen — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:16:52 +0000

the choice thing – wow! IS it clear? (good question, Ronna) always?

I have gone thru those horrifically painful times when the choice was obvious and the exile real – have also gone “choice” all over people (you know what I mean? arrogantly – looking for trouble – “go ahead I dare you to stop me ” kind of choice – with no grace) – and sometimes I find the choice-line hard to read.

Where the line is clear I sooo prefer choice to anything else (which you described to a tee when you said:” to remain hidden, silent, small. Even exile seems better than that!”). But – I guess because of years of conditioning – I sometimes find the line a bit blurry…sigh. Great post, thanks for this – I love how your posts make me think!
Square-Peg Karen´s last blog ..The Day AFTER The Last Day of Whining

By: Ronna Detrick

Ronna Detrick — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 19:50:26 +0000

Thanks, Kristen. Definitely a journey. It’s taken us a lifetime to learn and inculcate it as we have…so, it’s reverse.