Yesterday I talked of our shadow-selves, the part we keep hidden because we fear that if revealed, would be too much, too wild, too overwhelming. So instead, we choose compliance.
com·pli·ance:
- the act of conforming, acquiescing, or yielding.
- a tendency to yield readily to others, esp. in a weak and subservient way.
- conformity; accordance: in compliance with orders.
- Physics
a. the strain of an elastic body expressed as a function of the force producing the strain.b. a coefficient expressing the responsiveness of a mechanical system to a periodic force.
Really? I don’t want ANY of this! Nor do you, I’m sure of it!
Again, Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run With the Wolves:
Compliance causes a shocking realization that must be registered by all women. That is, to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves. It is a tormenting tension and it must be borne, but the choice is clear.
This does not mean that the choice is easy. To reveal ourselves, to tell the truth, to live out loud, is difficult, painful, and sometimes downright excruciating. But so is the alternative: to remain hidden, silent, small. Even exile seems better than that!
I know: exile is a harsh word with all kinds of ramifications. Exile takes us right straight back to the desert. And yet I continue to propose that the desert is where we are most at home, most ourselves, most nurtured and cared for, known and seen. (More on exile tomorrow…)
Compliance causes us to be exiled from ourselves.
To be ourselves causes us to be exiled from others.
The choice is clear.
For your reflection:
- Are you aware of the places/times in which you have chosen compliance?
- What does the word “exile” conjure up for you?
- Do you understand/know what does it feels like to be exiled from yourself?
- From whom would you be exiled if you chose to be yourself?
- Is the choice, in fact, clear?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Would enjoy a post sometime that further expands on how to think about the exile at the hands of those we love. Conformists who “FREAK OUT” when we say “uh-uh”. Last summer I was labeled like I never have been before by someone I deeply love because I didn’t conform. Utter, wretched pain and deep, deep grief resulted. And a feeling somewhat of “powerlessness” because my hands had been tied none-the-less. Trying to just paint a quick picture. But I REFUSE to believe the story is over and know there’s places I can go alone, even though the invitation for these two others to join me was so harshly slapped down.
jewellspring´s last blog ..jewellspring: searching everywhere for a skiing buddy for my daughter for a couple hours on Wed in exchange for a free lift ticket.
Ouch! Yes, exile at the hands of those we love is the MOST painful – and probably, sadly, the most frequent. I’ve certainly known it – and see it around me all the time (and speedily run back to the story of Hagar as my long-time companion in these realms.) No, Jen, that story isn’t over…maybe just waiting in the shadows to be birthed in a new, powerful, non-conforming, and stunning way.
I so know what you are speaking of. I, too, have felt that grief and rejection and still do feel it as I strive to find myself in what is left. Know that many of us are traveling this road with you!
Nicki´s last blog ..The Kitschen Sink and Dee Sprague’s Opening
Ronna, the ideas of compliance and exile connect so strongly in my heart to our conversation earlier about women’s hesitation in playing the “leading role.” I am still very much working toward a place in which I move away from a tendency toward compliance. Estes’s thoughts on and your clarification of the idea of exile from self is a powerful one that I will hope to keep as a mantra in my journey.
Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..The Kitchen Table
Thanks, Kristen. Definitely a journey. It’s taken us a lifetime to learn and inculcate it as we have…so, it’s reverse.
The choice of whether to be myself or be exiled is very clear. I have made it time and time again and endured the desert that it has left me in but has left me with my sense of being in tact, which is what is important. The choice is so clear.
Nicki´s last blog ..The Kitschen Sink and Dee Sprague’s Opening
the choice thing – wow! IS it clear? (good question, Ronna) always?
I have gone thru those horrifically painful times when the choice was obvious and the exile real – have also gone “choice” all over people (you know what I mean? arrogantly – looking for trouble – “go ahead I dare you to stop me ” kind of choice – with no grace) – and sometimes I find the choice-line hard to read.
Where the line is clear I sooo prefer choice to anything else (which you described to a tee when you said:” to remain hidden, silent, small. Even exile seems better than that!”). But – I guess because of years of conditioning – I sometimes find the line a bit blurry…sigh. Great post, thanks for this – I love how your posts make me think!
Square-Peg Karen´s last blog ..The Day AFTER The Last Day of Whining
Always easier to write, than live, Karen. Feel free to read between the lines on anything here and just assume I’m struggling with the very same thing! Preachin’ to the choir!!! From an objective, not-in-the-middle-of-it perspective of course the choice is clear; but that’s not our day to day life. I get it…and it helps me to be reminded of what I’m sacrificing in either choice. What is lost? What is gained? What is hidden? What is exposed? Where am I graciously choosing “yes?” Where am I under-the-surface resentful? All tough…
That’s why grace (for self, for others, and from others) matters SO much!
This is such an excellent, crystalline distillation of the central tension in my life. Thank you.
Lindsey´s last blog ..The Sum of Our Days
Of course, Lindsey, I’m humbled such is so. And…I’m right there with you. As I said to Karen, always easier written than lived.
“The choice is clear…”
I’ve spent a lot of today talking about this with a close friend. She too struggles with speaking her truth and often berates herself for what she calls her tendency to “lie.” We both talked about our struggles to be true to ourselves, to grow into wholeness by accepting our shadow parts… and we talked a bit about this idea… that being true to ourselves (speaking our truth) would lead to exile.
I think that’s just fear speaking. Sure, some truths will disturb some people, but often (at least in my personal experience), when we dare to speak our truths and to unfetter ourselves… we find that it’s only a BIG experience to US. Yes, I’m certain there are certain cases where it is in another’s favor for us to keep silent… where there is a dysfunctional cycle occurring in which our silence benefits the other and they don’t want to see us change… but most often, I think when we are courageous enough to speak our truth, we find companions… and give others the courage to speak more of their truth too.
Maybe we do take ourselves to the desert when we choose to speak our truths… but I do not think this is necessarily exile. Perhaps we are instead following in the footsteps of our desert ammas and abbas… going to the one silent place to find our true voice and leaving those things that can distract us behind… and like them, we will find ourselves not alone at all…
Shauntelle´s last blog ..You made it to the other side…
Yes. Yes. And yes again, Shauntelle. In my own experience, the “lies” became more of a desert than the truth could ever have been. And no less risky or cost-filled, it was (and continues to be) filled with such important movement, so many amazing companions, and no…not alone. Nor are you – or your friend.
You have such a wonderful way of voicing those knots we have all been bound by. As I watch my daughters 15 & 26 at different stages of womanhood–and my mother, nearly 85 and still trudging–I see more clearly the path I have walked, stumbled and flown on. And where my steps now may take me.
Much of this path has to do with compliance. The human urge for acceptance is so very powerful. And yet the strength gained in one’s faithfulness to one’s beliefs becomes stronger. This creates that tension within, I believe. The tension that mounts until something has to yield.
For me, I have been blessed to come to an awareness that drawing that cosmic line works. I am willing to lead my life in general compliance. I am generally able to behave within societal norms–restraining both pen and tongue. But there is a line that I have drawn–in fat paint strokes. When that line is crossed–any notion of compliance is gone–no matter what level of societal shock it causes.
Functionally this means I will listen to anyone. Always. My frequent response is “uh huh.” Until the line is crossed. Injustice, hatred, maliciousness, vindictiveness–bang–over my line. At that point I have been known to give my opinion. In my “outside” voice. Amazing how shocking some find it to be told, “‘Mean people Suck’ is my favorite bumper-sticker and you just qualified.” Or, “Can you possibly believe what you just said–I hope not.”
So in my circle of family and friends I am known. Known for non-compliance in some circumstances. For much of my life I felt conflicted about that. The tug toward the acceptance really is strong. But then the years of knowing that the non-compliance is–really truly–who I am–and actually who I am loved for being.
First, do no harm. I don’t ever want to be a “mean people” myself. But voicing what I believe to be right–that eases the tension knot until it finally becomes untied. The lines of compliance and rebellion are able to co-exist.
Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave´s last blog ..Flying Off
Julianne: I love that you know where/how to draw this line. That has taken time, faltering, tentativeness, perseverance, and much courage – no doubt. And the line continues to move, as well, doesn’t it? Yes…some non-negotiables and then a whole bunch of situational and relational realities that test these poles of compliance and acceptance. And I love the concept of knots – the tension we feel when in the midst of something. Maybe that’s one of the “lines” or markers: when we feel that tension, that tied-up-ness, something has to give and chances are good we’re being tugged toward compliance. Our deeper, wiser, and even more rebellious self begins to tug and we feel pulled in at least two different directions. It’s a journey, a process, an ongoing reality. I’m super grateful that your words offer your clear expression and acknowledgment of yourself in that mix. For so many, even the awareness is hard to come by, let alone movement and change. Thank you for naming your own lines, as well as showing that they continue to be drawn – and erased – and sketched – and tied/untied whether 15, 26, your age, or your mom’s at 85. Ah, the life of a woman.
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