The house is quiet. Most of the day’s activity has been completed and the girls are now with their Dad for the evening. Though this is the 3rd Christmas since the divorce I must say that I haven’t quite gotten used to these quiet spaces during the holidays. It feels as though the house, the time, particularly this night, should be more full, more festive, even more frantic. But with the girls gone and just me hangin’ with the cat, there is a sense of melancholy. Nothing dramatic. Nothing weighty. Nothing sad. Just reality not quite as it once was. And maybe not quite as it should be – or at least quite as I’d like it to one day be.
Hard to say what “as it should be” is. I think it’s less about the noise and activity and more about a sense of home, of connection, of companionship, of love. I know all of these things with Emma and Abby and, of course am deeply grateful. But I’ll take, give, and receive even more. More is good. More is wanted. More is desired. More is definitely on the way. I can feel it. It’s just not here quite yet. Not this Christmas Eve.
It’s a felt tension – between gratitude for what is and anticipation/desire for the more yet to come. Appropriate somehow for Christmas Eve: the acknowledgement of the many gifts we’ve already received (life, health, family, friends, home, work, laughter, love) and those that remain wrapped up under the tree. We’re grateful and we want more. We are aware of all we have and we love the anticipation of what is yet to come. Yes, that’s it for me tonight: much gratitude mixed with even more anticipation and desire. Christmas Eve and More.
It’s Christmas Eve and More. I have much for which I’m grateful (with this photo as living proof – taken just minutes before the girls left the house tonight. Aren’t they beautiful?!?). And I simultaneously anticipate and desire. There’s so much “more” to come. It’s all good. Bring it on.
Merry Christmas!
SUBSCRIBE to my Monthly Newsletter. SUBSCRIBE to the Blog via Email or your Kindle. LIKE me on Facebook.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I so understand how you feel. I went to the movies, alone, on Christmas Day. The kids – all six of them because I lied to one and told her I was going to a friend’s home – went to their father’s for the evening. We have been apart for 13 Christmases. This is the first time he has asked for them to come to him for time on the holiday so it is a new thing for me. It was nice to have quiet, reflective time but it was also hard.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..Christmases 1985-1987 =-.
Thanks for your honesty, Nicki. I hope that your kids time with their dad was meaningful…and…that in the midst you know more of the “more” that you hope for and desire.
Thanks Ronna for your heart that communicates through your writing ..It is now the day after Christmas…gifts are open…people are still sleeping…and I wonder about entering the week before New Years 2010 – dreaming – while awake – about the “more” I am hoping for…and thankful that I am positioned to ask for more, catalyze others to places of more, and to receive more. As I type, I think of faces of women that need to talk with you. I hope they find you in 2010 – because they will find more. All for now…and hoping for connection with you, Kimberly, and Susan – soon!
So grateful for you, Hillary. Dreaming, while awake. I love that! Thank you for consistently and beautifully dreaming on my behalf. And yes…connecting with you and Susan and Kimberly soon!!!