The greatest power that a person possesses is the power to choose. (J. Martin Kohe)
I’m stuck today between the temptation of convincing someone that I am worth choosing – and knowing that such should happen without me having to do the convincing. It’s not a fun place.
It’s tough to hold on to ourselves, to our value, our worth, our beauty, our self-esteem, even our pride when we are waiting for validation from another – whether in love, at work, with family. Why does it matter so much? Why are we so much more powerfully compelled by the opinions (and choices) of others than our own internal voice?
My “virtual” friend, Kelly Diels, wrote a blog post about this today. It’s entitled: YOURSELF AND HOW OTHERS SEE YOU. REFLECTIONS AND BEAUTY PAGEANT REPLIES. A DESIGN SO VAST. She gets it. We want to be individuated, strong, intact…and yet…we want to be wanted, seen, heard, pursued, understood, chosen! It’s a constant tension. When does it end?
I am not in my teens. I am not in my 20′s. Dammit! I’m not in my 30′s! I am old enough to know better. Shouldn’t I be at a place where my own internal voice speaks louder that those I seek to hear external of myself?
OK…enough venting. Here’s what I know: when I was in my teens, in my 20s, sadly, even in my 30s, I didn’t even know that voice existed. I didn’t value myself enough to consider that my own thoughts, my own perspectives, even my own desires could matter, let alone counter the voices that told me otherwise. But now, in my 40s, I do know better. I can hear that voice. I know what I am worth. I know what I bring to the table. I know what I offer. I know what I invite. And I know what I challenge, what I provoke, what I stir up, what I disrupt…And (most of the time) I’m OK with that.
I think it’s normal to be conflicted – to hear more than one voice. Where the rubber meets the road is when we decide which voice we listen to. Which voice we choose. Which is chosen. (Mmmm. Forgive me. A meta-processing moment for me as I type. I’ve now used the word “chosen” in a totally new context. I am applying the volition with the word vs. it being used for – or against – me. The action of the verb is mine to extend. That’s good stuff! OK. Back to what I was saying…) I am at a place in my life where I can listen to all the voices – some which scream and yell far louder than others – and be intentional about which one(s) I will give credence to, which one(s) I will pay attention to, which one(s) I will listen to, which one(s) I will follow.
Doesn’t make things easier, necessarily. Doesn’t lessen that I still want to be chosen by others…Bottom line: I have to choose me. I have (choose) to believe that I’m worth being chosen. And that IS my choice – no matter what anyone else chooses.
Am I worth choosing? ABSOLUTELY! And if I’m not chosen? ‘Doesn’t change the reality of what I choose to know about myself. People don’t always make the choices I wish they would. People sometimes make choices that leave me feeling unchosen and even unwanted or alone. But I still get to choose the voice inside that says, “You know better, Ronna…”
This isn’t me being egotistical. This is me – out loud and bold and clear – saying what is true. This is me – standing up and listening to the voice inside; letting it be my “spoken” voice, as well. This is me saying, “Choose me. I am worth it. But if you don’t, I will not not choose myself.” That choice is non-negotiable. Done. Settled. Chosen.
Choose your love. Love your choice. (Thomas S. Monson)
Your mind knows only some things. Your inner voice, your instinct, knows everything. If you listen to what you know instinctively, it will always lead you down the right path. (Henry Winkler)
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.” (Charles Shulz)
There Is A Voice Inside Of You
That Whispers All Day Long,
‘I Feel That This Is Right For Me,
I Know That This Is Wrong.’
No Teacher, Preacher, Parent, Friend
Or Wise Man Can Decide
What’s Right For You – Just Listen To
The Voice That Speaks Inside.
(Shel Silverstein)
The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedom is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance. (Viktor Frankl)
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Beautiful, Ronna, beautiful.
I struggle with this too, in certain relationships, finding myself arguing to be chosen in a variety of ways while knowing deep down that that is not the right “way” to be chosen …
Thank you!
Lindsey
.-= Lindsey´s last blog ..Time =-.
So complex. So frustrating. So good to know we’re not alone…Thanks, Lindsey.
My random thoughts from reading your thoughts:
As we walk further down our true path, we must face & answer that question of worth over and over again. So from my perspective, what you are going through means that you are taking bold strides forward in your life. Rock on, Ronna!
Your Soul always knows.
Age does not equate to self esteem.
I love you!
Deep breath….walk through it…love yourself through it.
You are beautiful!
.-= Coach Cassandra Rae´s last blog ..What do you do when you feel like giving up? =-.
So grateful for you – your support, your advocacy, your friendship, your “knowing,” your “seeing.” Thank you, Cassandra.
there must have been something in the air yesterday, i too was doing a lot of thought crunching about my values and beliefs, versus those of my dad’s. A man who has been a great source of inspiration and wisdom and advice through my life, but i’m now getting to a place in my life, my journey where my beliefs and values are growing away from some of his.
I’ve been struggling with accepting this for a while now. me and him butted heads a bit last night, i got quite angry and sad, but didn’t direct this at him, blogged about it, and then today after some sleep i’ve had a chance to let my thoughts brew; its ok for me and dad to have different beliefs and values. I’m confident in what i feel and believe in, but still, like you and others i still want to get some validation from my dad. who wouldn’t?
Personally i’m kinda curious to see how these feelings develop as I age, and perhaps as dad ages too (I’m 23, he’s 56)
Regarding listening to our own voice(s) i think when we’re young listening to our own voice over those of our elders is percieved as being foolish and too headstrong, perhaps this is where all this doubt comes from?
Thanks for your comments. Family of origin continue to crop up for us – regardless of age. Deeply ingrained patterns, systems of belief, and behaviors that are hard to shake. But you’re on the right track by being able to name them – and separate from them for perspective and your own growth. Indeed, any tension is tough, but sometimes is the very thing that helps clarify our own value, our ability to stand on our own two feet, hold our ground, and listen to that inner voice.
Ronna is right. Family of origin stuff can crop up at any time. There are times, still, when I make a choice that is right for me but would not be right for them and I still – to this day – can hear their voices in my head. I know exactly what they’d say.
It used to create angst.
Now I just go, “Yep. That’s what they’d say” and move right on. As Ronna says though, it is the conflict that will lead you to truly examine what’s right for you — and to know.
And Ronna, every time we choose ourselves, our selves get stronger and happier and more whole. And from that place, the people who do choose us turn out to be more and more fabulous all the time. (As opposed to those who would ask us to be different from who we are so that they can choose us.)
It’s difficult sometimes though. Because we want so badly to be seen, to be heard, to be understood, to be loved.
Hold out for the real thing. You’re worth it.
All the best!
deb
.-= Deb Owen´s last blog ..to find opportunity, you have to know where to look =-.
Thanks, Deb. Yes: those who choose me become more and more fabulous. And yes, when I let that happen, I get to be more and more fabulous, as well. It’s a win-win; just easier said than done. ‘Appreciate your words – and the heart within them.
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