I’m at the airport – hours ahead of schedule for my flight to DC today. But frankly, I’m pretty content right now. I’m sitting in a quiet part of the terminal. My laptop is plugged in (so as not to drain the battery for on-flight work). My phone is plugged in (so as not to drain the battery for on-flight tunes). I’m listening to a great playlist – loud enough that the constant security updates are but a distant whisper. And I still have half of my Americano left to drink.
After I bought my coffee, I spotted a book that I actually picked up just yesterday and looked through, but didn’t buy. Now, at glimpse-two, I decided it was a sign. I was meant to buy it. So, here I sit, pouring over Exploiting Chaos: 150 Ways to Spark Innovation During Times of Change by Jeremy Gutsche. And I’m intrigued. Not only is the topic fascinating, but even the way the book has been created, written, and designed. I like it.
Here are a couple of quotes that already have my brain spinning at a million miles an hour:
[We] must learn not to create structure and stability, but rather, to adapt quickly.
Out of clutter, find simplicity.
From discord, find harmony.
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
(Albert Einstein)
As you might imagine, I’m applying these quotes (and all the dazzling content the first 50 pages have offered) to business opportunity, revenue opportunity, professional/personal opportunity. But I’m also wondering how they might apply to relationships.
Here’s what I’m pondering. Do we as readily apply new theory to relationships as we do to business and innovation? Or do we think/feel that there’s a “right” way to do relationship; a formula that must work so we’d better not mess with it? I know my tendency toward the latter. After all, I was raised by parents who have now been married over 50 years. And even though divorced, I feel a relatively significant amount of pride for a 15 year marriage that was, for the most part, meaningful and loving. Large quantities of my friends and colleagues are married – living by the “rules” that we implicitly absorb, understand, and inculcate. And that’s all good. But…what if there were more options, more templates, more ways to think about and experience this thing called love? What if Chaos Theory could be applied to relationships?
Think about this statement: [We] must learn not to create structure and stability, but rather, to adapt quickly. I don’t know about you, but the predominant categories for understanding durable and lasting relationship fall within “structure and stability,” right? But what if, instead, we chose “adapt quickly” as our motto, our abiding mission, our way of being? What if we were “swift, nimble, and relentless?” (Sorry: inside joke…). From my own experience, one of the HUGE problems in relationships is unmet expectations. And expectations, in and of themselves, are problematic to begin with. We create them in our own minds…usually exclusive of conversation or discussion with our partner. They are informed and shaped by our own culture, experience, and pathology. And, of course, our partner has a different culture, set of experiences, and pathology. We’re doomed! Our expectations can’t possibly jive or align themselves. So – back to where I started in this paragraph – why not go with “adapt quickly?” We (work to) become pliant, fluid, flexible, generative, spontaneous, responsive. I like it.
And what about Einstein’s statements: …From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. Our “working” model tells us that discord is HUGELY problematic. Conflict, tension, or, God-forbid an out-and-out fight means that we’re inches away from disaster. Again, let’s try something new. What if Einstein is right and that within discord we could actually find harmony? I have a bit of recent experience in this realm. The man with whom I am currently in relationship is amazing, smart, funny, sexy, innovative, compelling, handsome, full of integrity, compassionate, kind – and so much more. And…we fight. In our just-over-3-month tenure we’ve had a couple of rows that have nearly ended “us.” But in the midst of them I’ve experienced something strangely like harmony. It has seemed to me that we’ve been fighting for something – not against one another. The discord has been painful, to be sure, but it’s felt strong – as though it has movement and power of its own – guiding us to a new level of strength and unity. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. I believe it. I see opportunity all over the place for the two of us – but not without difficulty. (Can we all agree here? There is no such thing as relationship without difficulty.) The two are not mutually exclusive – relationship and difficulty; rather, they are synonymous and integral to one another. I like it.
Chaos is defined as the uncertainty sparked by uncharted territory, economic recession, and bubbles of opportunity. Chaos Theory is a form of mathematics being applied to the world’s most complicated scientific problems. Gutsche says, ‘At its core, chaos theory reveals that much of the mystery that surround us is actually “order masquerading as randomness.” ‘ How better to understand relationship: one of the world’s most complicated problems. Mystery. Randomness. And even better? Uncharted territory. Bubbles of opportunity. I like it.
Don’t get me wrong. I am an ordered, organized, list-oriented, multi-tasking, disciplined, Type-A woman. But I’m more than that. I’m also relational; wired to be with another. And if I can experience that more profoundly, more passionately, more powerfully in mystery, randomness, and chaos? I’m there. I like it.
Maybe this should be my bestseller…
Maybe I should see if our relationship survives a fourth month.
I’m hopeful. But you already knew that – chaos theory or not. 
OK…music off. Laptop off. Americano gone. Time to move to my own gate, board a plane, and get to work.
One more thing: BE SURE TO READ MY POST TOMORROW! I HAVE A GUEST-BLOGGER WHO YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS!!!
SUBSCRIBE to my Monthly Newsletter. SUBSCRIBE to the Blog via Email or your Kindle. LIKE me on Facebook.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Timely, thoughtful & inspiring. You are a fabulous writer! Thanks for this post Ronna. I love this thought about chaos, “order masquerading as randomness.” It is such a great call to mindfulness amidst chaos vs. flight from chaos into the numb comfort of the familiar.
Beautifully written Ronna.
If you accept this thought (and I generally do) I’m wondering about the solution – which almost by definition cannot be random. There has to be an approach, a plan. You investigate, you understand and you apply a solution.
There is a solution for a broken jar of marbles and it is safety and calculus – yes the same rules that delivered you to the fight will deliver you therefrom. Order can no more pass as chaos, than light can masquerade as the dark.
A loss of order not chaos caused predicament. There was a misCALCULATion of not protecting the jar of marbles, not fully appreciating broken glass and marbles, or misunderstanding the time and effort it will take to clean up the accident.
This presumes of course the jar of marbles was not deliberately thrown to the floor, at which moment, I would concede that this would be chaos.
Thanks Wayne. ‘Appreciate your thoughtful response. Here’s mine…in brief:
If I had a jar of marbles, it would be something I treasured. I would no more throw it to the floor than fly. But if, for some reason, it were to shatter on the floor and break, because I treasure each and every marble, I’d be down on my hands and knees (glass shards be damned) looking for and retrieving every one – tirelessly, with tenacity, and with great celebration at each one’s return – until the whole is reunited. Chaos Theory doesn’t apply to willful destruction.
damn this blog is awesome!
Thank you!