I’m aware how easy it is to spin in theory and not ever move into praxis. I think about this all the time, but even more so since hitting “publish” on yesterday’s post. I’ve been palpably aware of where this hits me between the eyes – and smarts! Being alone. Being single. Not being in a significant-other relationship.
No platitudes or lofty thoughts about my worth, my value, or someday-my-prince-will-come choruses appease the monster that roars within me, longing for love.
Clare Campbell speaks of this powerfully in her post “Single, stunning, and not beyond love.” Kelly Diels speaks of it often and in cut-to-the-quick ways. I linked yesterday to one of many such examples. And music, music, music! Are there enough songs out there that remind me of what I desire, what I hope for, what I’m ready for, what I want? Even today, while doing a zillion other projects and working on this post: James Morrison, Sara Bareilles, Holly Brook, Ingrid Michaelson. And that doesn’t even include the R&B channel I’ve set up on Pandora. Enough already. Or is it?
Despite the part of me that is irritated by the constant reminder of what I don’t have, I can’t get enough of it. It’s as though desire breeds more desire, hope breeds more hope, and love breeds the desire and hope for more love.
This is my personal desert.
I’ve known others.
•The heartbreaking end of first love.
•The excruciating return of blood after the exhilarating hope for life, for fertilization, for pregnancy.
•The struggle and slow death of a 15-year marriage.
•The looks on my daughters’ faces when I told them of the divorce and the days, weeks, months, and years of their ache that has followed…and still does.
•The seasons of therapy where I wrestled with family of origin issues.
•The loss of my job.
•The more recent endings, failings, disappointments.
•The day-to-day wonderings of whether my writing, my speaking, my doing-what-I-most-love will pay my mortgage, feed my kids (and pay for their cellphones), help me thrive.
I’ve said it repeatedly: the desert is not virgin terrain for me. I know it well.
But this one haunts me.
David Whyte has said that “you can be sure you are not beyond love…” I believe him, somewhere deep down inside. It’s the day-to-day merging of theory and praxis (again) that causes me angst. Frankly, it’s the lack of merging, the gap between, the space, the rambling-around-in-my-own-head-and-body-and-heart that drives me crazy.
No answers. No respite. Just more sand.
…Time to go into the dark / where the night has eyes / to recognize its own.
There you can be sure / you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb / tonight.
The night will give you a horizon / further than you can see…
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet / confinement of your aloneness / to learn
anything or anyone / that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
(From Sweet Darkness by David Whyte – House of Belonging)
I get it. I can’t settle. I have to hold out for the good stuff, for the best. Maybe not for the guy-on-the-white-horse, but definitely someone who is not too small for me, who brings me alive.
No, that’s not quite it either. I AM alive. I want someone who recognizes such because he’s alive too, fans that flame with abandon, and wouldn’t love anything/anyone less.
That’s not too much to ask, is it?
No. It’s not.
So I wait. I desire. I hope. I want. I build sandcastles in the desert.
And I think of the quote I used at the very beginning of this Lenten series:
…to create, to take what we find in the shadows of our lives and craft what never before has been seen.
(Jan Richardson)
Mmm hmm. Sandcastles weren’t quite what I had in mind.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Ronna, you spoke to my heart in this post. I got divorced after a 5 year marriage.
And NO to settling. And, NO, it’s not too much to ask.
Maybe that should be a collaborative web/blog site for all of us: “No2Settling.com” I’m tracking. And I know – as do you: it’s NOT too much to ask. It’s the waiting that causes one to doubt. But then there’s hope – again and again.
Thanks, Lana.
My BFF (yes, I still have one….ha) and I were talking about this the other day.
)
Are we going to *have* to settle in order to not be alone? (Her choice would be to settle. Mine would be to continue on alone.
When ultimately, we feel like “all we are looking for” is a man who is comfortable enough in who he is and in his own power…..that he can not only ‘handle’ but support and encourage us as we live our lives to the fullest that we are meant to live them. We just want to be able to be all of who we are and continue to learn and grow in that.
And really……that doesn’t seem like all that much to ask for. And yet, seems so hard to find.
Then again, I wonder if we’ve not found it simply because we gave up and gave in too early and made ourselves small to fit into someone else’s life.
I certainly don’t have it figured out yet.
Love,
deb
.-= Deb Owen´s last blog ..Fields, Factories, Homes, and Brothels =-.
I don’t think the reason we haven’t found “it” is because we settled earlier. We have to work to overcome those patterns, for sure; but for me, those experiences have taught me the very lesson I’m living now: that I AM worth it, that I WON’T settle, that it ISN’T too much to ask for. And sometimes, the lesson I have to hold on to the tightest is that I’m not too much…
Thanks, Deb. I know you know…
Ronna, I truly understand. I never thought I would find that person. I didn’t believe that I was worth it. Good grief, I said that SOOOO many times. But after a long stretch in the desert, I finally did.
I believe with all my heart that there is someone for everyone. And great women like you (and my dear friend that I forwarded this amazing post to) deserve the BEST. NO-don’t settle. He is there. He is waiting. He will be what your heart desires. I promise you that.
.-= Shawna Cevraini´s last blog ..Connected =-.
I’ll hold you to it, Shawna. And thank you. I totally agree…
Ronna, the more I read your work, the more normal I feel. I realize that I can relate to women because I AM a woman despite my wheelchair. Not that I would ever wish anyone any unhappiness, but it feels good to not be alone in my longings to meet that special man one day. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly!
.-= Tracy Todd´s last blog ..How Do I Read? =-.
As always, your perspective enhances my own. I’m so glad – and grateful, Tracy.
Settling! Oh how I detest that word. From a building standpoint, it generally means the foundation is shifting which is, of course, not good. From a relationship standpoint, it means we do not trust ourselves enough to hold out so we are shifting. While I do not think that we do not shift at all in our lives – we are always evolving, I do believe that we cannot do this shifting for someone else. We have to evolve for us, for ourselves.
I have now been not married longer than I was married. That hit me hard. Last summer I was just lost as it would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. Others had past without even a second thought. That one stung. I was unsure what to do, how to reconcile that I was thinking about a milestone that didn’t really happen. I let myself go there, into that desert, to emerge a better person, a person who knows that it is a good thing that milestone was not a real one.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..Looking for me? =-.
Isn’t it striking, the way time, dates, markers, milestones have a way of creeping up on us and then seemingly smacking us between the eyes? I get it. And when I feel that kind of pain it reminds me that I’m not as tough as I might think; that I have deep desires that MATTER, dammit; that I’m not willing to settle (clearly) and that new milestones are yet to be made – ones I’ll celebrate far more than the ones I thought I wanted.
So grateful for your voice, Nicki: your honesty, vulnerability, candidness, and truth-telling. You’re a renegade, that’s for sure!
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