Not certain what I would blog on tonight, the past 30 minutes have given me enough fodder to either write an elucidating, self-disclosing post or to run screaming into the dark. Maybe both.
Another of my personal deserts? Parenting.
Two daughters. One 13, the other 11. Dare I blame hormones? Too much estrogen? Or is it the flint-on-flint reality of three strong women in the same space? Tonight I’ll blame whatever is closest, handiest, and least resistant to my frustration, my venting, my rage.
Homework’s not done. Eye-rolling is at a premium. Proclivity for blaming mom for all that’s wrong with their worlds is running rampant. I’m not handling it well.
I’m angry. At them to some degree; but far more, at myself. In record time I can react and respond in ways that disappoint us all. Rather than back down, my hackles go up and I blame them. Conversely, their disappointment and frustration in me escalates, under-their-breath comments ensue (along with more eye-rolling), and I become a tyrant. It can get ugly fast.
A Recipe for Disaster:
One mom, nerves and emotions tested by the day’s work/interactions/strains
Two girls who come home unaware, unprepared, unprotected
Mix together and heat past boiling point. Toss with the sandy grit of sarcasm and serve up as another of my personal deserts.
In another 30 minutes or so I will go to both of them and apologize. One will be quick to forgive. The other will hold out a bit longer. One will articulate her frustration and sadness. The other will shrug her shoulders and leave me guessing. Both will know and acknowledge our shared, though not always best-expressed affection and respect. I will go to bed feeling this desert’s vast and unforgiving alone-ness.
I love my daughters fiercely. I would protect them with my dying breath. And I fight with them/for them passionately. I know they know all this – in theory.
But tonight, in praxis, they would speak to quite a different reality.
Sometimes I hate this damn sand. It’s in my eyes…making me cry.
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Ronna, this goes on in every household almost every night of the school year. Girls, or in my case three boys – it doesn’t matter. The overwhelming desire to have each do what they need to do without having to ask and without the drama drives us in seeking whatever it is, balance, serenity, doing what we had planned for the evening. I’m sure we were both that way too at that age.
I’m sure you’re right. Today, with sleep, coffee, and a smooth morning together, grace abounds.
Last night I went to bed almost certain that I am a failure in the eyes of my 14 year old daughter. She stresses out about how disorderly our house is compared to her friends’. I don’t bother trying to convince her that perhaps it’s because it’s a more creative house than some others – instead I feel the sting of her critique. It’s partly what my “flip-flop” post of yesterday was about.
.-= Heather Plett´s last blog ..Doin’ the ol’ flip-flop =-.
I so get it, Heather. The balancing act is a day-by-day process. The standing my ground, sometimes hour by hour. The extending of grace to them and myself? Minute by minute.
The path of the mother is the most sacred of all paths for it is that arena where all the Spiritual lessons taught to us by history’s greatest teachers are put to the greatest test. God I’d infinite compassion for ourselves, our human falibiities and the ones closest to us whom we hurt and who hurt us – our children.
Thanks, Leta. Yes, definite testing. And yes, infinite compassion – expressed consistently by my daughters. More lessons…
Ronna, I can so relate to your desert with the sand in your eyes. So often in my case tears just make it worse.
My son is almost 13 and there are times when we have a heated exchange. The worst for me is that I’m not always able to go back a little later (after cooling down) to say “I’m sorry” because his dad has already collected him and taken him away. I find that very tough to deal with. The next day after school is often too late. I hate going to bed angry or sad. On the occasion that my son has left before we have had an opportunity to take the sand out of our eyes, I end up going to bed in the desert, alone.
.-= Tracy Todd´s last blog ..How Do I Read? =-.
Another layer of complexity and pain, Tracy; yes. I do have the gift of circling back with them quickly; of apologizing not quite as quickly – but still; of reconnecting, talking, hugging…Your ache in this regard brings fresh tears to my eyes. More awareness of your sand’s biting reality. Though I cannot begin to understand the depth of that pain, know that I’m in the desert with you.
This is one of my deserts as well. I have a 14 year old with whom I feel I have a good relationship some of the time, and the rest I am completely clueless. She is incredibly private, moody and broody, and communicates more through sarcasm than anything else. Gratefully we don’t have much conflict, but sometimes I wonder if it would be better if we did, at least then I would know what she is feeling. I can’t help wondering how much truth lies in the biting sarcastic remarks she makes in the guise of humor. If there is an imbalance in my parenting, it is due to time away from home because I am leading a volunteer community organization outside of my 9-5 job. Am I making the right choice by role-modeling the pursuit of one’s dreams? Or am I compromising her need for my presence, even if she doesn’t choose to interact with me much for days at a time?
As the daughter of a narcissist and consequently a mother who is hyperaware of the impact of poor parenting choices, it takes everything I have not to invest in the belief that I am screwing her up no matter how hard I try to be a good mother.
Hugs to you!
.-= April´s last blog ..Leadership 101: Conscious Leadership =-.
‘SO hear what you’re saying/struggling with April. No easy answers. I’ve made it my commitment to opt for conversation over all else. I totally assume both my girls will make choices that will break my heart AND I want, more than anything, to make sure they know that they can always talk to me. As with most things in life, that’s far easier said than done. I just have to continue to hope that if I admit my mistakes, go back to them and tell them how I screwed up, and somehow (even in faltering, messed-up ways) model something of authenticity/vulnerability/passion/truth-telling, that it’s at least a start. And ultimately, they’ll need therapy. I’m OK with that.
As always, I’m so grateful to know that others are on the same journey, feeling the sand’s heat, and traversing the desert with me.
There is no easy way to raise children. Parenting, regardless of what the experts tell us, is hard. It is unique to each child, not even each family. It is a constant learning process, not learning curve. While I value life-long learning, it is not this learning I want to do until I die.
Parenting, when we least expect it, gives us rain and rainbows and sun. Parenting also gives us dust storms and wind and clouds. Your rainbows and sun will come, Ronna.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..Looking for me? =-.
I so agree, Nicki. And, as is usually the case, the beauty is quick to follow on the heels of the darkness – primarily because my amazing daughters are also incredibly forgiving…and quick to move on. I’m grateful.
Ronna, I can relate to your experiences. They happen. Parenting is hard. No shortcuts!
Here is one thing that I found helps regain the lost ground and let out the steam building up in the pressure cooker of our relationships. Set aside a day or weekend or even a few hours for a “love fest” for your child, children (or even a parent or a spouse). For your child, take one (if that is possible) or both away for something you think THEY (not necessarily you) would enjoy that gives you both time alone, time to talk and time to build a good memory. It might be a hike, horseback riding or a “road trip” (perhaps your daughters would like to go to Forks, WA if they are Twilight fans) or drive up to mountains to play in the spring snow and bring back a cooler full of snow to build a snowman on your deck or dump on their girl friend’s front porch and then ring the doorbell and run! Teenage fun! Take along the camera. A movie or a public place, like a mall, may not give you the same opportunities to talk.
On your trip, set your work, worries, cell phone aside and try to talk about happy memories and accomplishments that you are proud of in THEIR life. Like, if you pass someone riding a bike, “Do you remember when you got the training wheels off your bike and you took off down the street and I was so proud I almost cried and I told everyone……”! If they don’t remember the details, tell them the fun story and how happy and proud you felt! If they remember different details don’t make a big deal out of it! Make it ALL about them. Don’t turn it around to talk about your fears or hopes or to try to teach, preach, suggest or correct. Just share the joy they brought you and your thankfulness for their uniqueness and talents. Even if they bring up something negative like, “But remember you were late (again)!” Just agree, “Yep, that’s right, bummer, I missed out didn’t I” or “I forgot that part!”! It will be hard but don’t use this time to justify or “explain” yourself. Don’t use this time, (time for that later) to focus on YOU, keep it all about them!
I find that kids love to hear the stories of when they were babies, or a small child and how they made you laugh, swell with pride and hear how much you love and are thankful for them. Fill the day with these stories. It takes discipline on your part to keep the day centered around them and their joy, dreams and building up their confidence! Depending on your recent relationship they might even question, “Why you are being so nice?”. There are probably not many people or peers in their life who are interested in building THEM up. Let them know you are on their side. You are modeling selfless love. (Have you ever spent time with a friend and that is what they did for you! Made the time all or mostly about YOU! Feels nice!) I bet your time will be rewarded with some happier teens and a closer relationship. It is a good point to begin again from.
This may seem unauthentic or even fake to some. “I’m not being myself…” No, it is just practicing self control in order to give your child or a friend some time away from the “desert” and some time to take a dip at a cool, refreshing sandy beach! Invigorating, nourishing and healing. Life is not always “a beach” but it is nice to vacation there once in a while!
It is a little like this. Have ever tried the discipline of spending time in prayer and just sharing what you are thankful for and meditating on the attribrutes of God? Making the “time” all about thankfulness and love and not about YOU! It is hard to not quickly launch into your wants, needs, questions or “explaining and excusing” your own actions to God isn’t it? Yes, but it will be refreshing and give you a new perspective!
Hope this helps! I welcome your feedback!
So, so lovely Georgia. Thank you for all the thought (and time) you’ve given me here. I deeply appreciate your perspective, your wisdom, your ideas.
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