“…Try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
(Rainier Maria Rilke)
I had dinner with my dad the other night. Over the course of two hours we meandered through many topics but consistently came back to the one we know the best and soak in the longest: deep questions with no answers; usually around faith, religion, meaning, doubt, God…Tiny, inconsequential topics, huh?
He has lived with massive questions most of his life. And though they have plagued him, they have also compelled his daughter to ask hard ones. A reality for which I’m deeply grateful and, admittedly, by which I’m sometimes deeply troubled. The problem for both of us is that we keep searching for answers.
As of at least this week’s dinner conversation, on this we agree: we may not find them.
Loving the questions, based on Rilke’s perspective, is what I aspire to. It seems the only “answer” that makes sense. Still, like most things that matter, it’s far easier said than done.
My whole mental construct is one of parsing, dissecting, understanding, comprehending, and mastering. It’s not one of embracing mystery. And this is made even more complex because of the social constructs within which I’ve grown up: modernism, consumerism, organized religionism. (I know that last one isn’t a word, but it had to be used. Really.)
So, how to love the questions and live my way into the answers? As I’ve pondered this (while parsing, dissecting, and seeking to understand, comprehend, and master) I’ve wondered about conversation. (I know, I know! This should have come to me instantaneously, given what I’ve named my business/website, and what I pursue endlessly through any and every form possible.)
What if I had a conversation with myself? What if I let the questions float, meander, and dance – almost as if between two lovers. A dialogue characterized by curiosity and kindness between me and the RENEGADE me. It might sound something like this:
Me: Is there a God?
RENEGADE Me: Good question.
Me: I know, that’s why I’m asking it!
RENEGADE Me: That’s not really why you’re asking, is it? What do you wonder or want in the question itself?
Me: Mmmm. Solid point. I want to know I’m not alone, that I matter, that I’m created, cherished, loved, and in the mix of a larger plan, a larger story, a cosmic purpose.
RENEGADE Me: Are you alone?
Me: No.
RENEGADE Me: Do you matter?
Me: Yes.
RENEGADE Me: Do you feel created, cherished, and loved – not just by others, though that is hugely significant, but in the larger scheme of things…even by the Universe itself?
Me: Sometimes more than others, but yes.
RENEGADE Me: And are there moments in which you can see the larger plan, story, or cosmic purpose? Moments when you’re writing or talking to someone or in love or just laughing and you feel deeply, intimately connected to something bigger, more powerful; something that takes you in and holds you…even if for only a moment?
Me: Yes.
RENEGADE Me: Mmmm.
Me: So? Are you saying there is a God?
RENEGADE Me: Are you?
Me: Well, I’m not sure. But more than not, I think so. It feels like there’s still more to think about.
RENEGADE Me: Thinking’s good. So is just living. We can keep talking, you know. There’s time.
Me: Ahhh, yes: time. I guess I don’t need to figure it all out this moment. Even this conversation feels hopeful…Thanks.
RENEGADE Me: You’re welcome. Anytime.
The question matters, for sure. But in conversation, its pressure lessens, even if only slightly, when I realize that I’m already living my answer, at least in part.
Conversation. Between questions and answers. Between faith and doubt. Between strength and vulnerability. Between hope and despair. Between my many selves. That’s where life takes place. That’s where the questions can be loved. That’s where the answers just might be found…and lived.
I want to love the questions. And, not surprisingly, I want even more conversation.
You?
The most important thing is never to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot but help to be in awe when (s)he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery everyday. Never lose a holy curiosity.
(Albert Einstein)
One of my many questions has persistently been how to invite others into conversation. Not just chatting. Rather, conversation that really matters, that compels change, that welcomes truth. Conversation with me, yes; but even more, with themselves and their own questions.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot; asking myself a LOT of questions. Not finding a ton of answers, but recognizing that the compelling call continues to resound in my heart. Perhaps living into the answers means that I move my feet; that I act on what I believe. So, here it is:
Conversation between Renegades
We all have questions; big, huge ones that hover and sometimes overwhelm. Others that just sort of nag at us. Sometimes we just need to talk those through. We need a safe space in which we can articulate our thoughts and get the perspective of another. We need to name our truths out loud, being able to count on complete understanding and no consequences other than what it feels like to be truly heard (which, by the way, is AMAZING!)
Questions like these:
- Why do I feel like my faith is shallow and somehow meaningless?
- How do I make sense of feminism in a culture that still sees it as defiant and bitchy?
- Can I be a strong woman and still believe in God?
- How do I understand and work through the tension I feel in my marriage? Can I? Will I?
- Do I believe in God? (Sound familiar?)
- Can I trust the voice I hear inside that is telling me to ___________________ ?
- Is it possible for me to know rest when my mind is consumed with fear?
- Are there other women who ask these questions? And is it OK that I’m not yet ready to venture into some public space to have that dialogue?
- Is there someplace set-apart, confidential, and safe in which I could begin to test those waters?
In the spirit of this post, I am not offering answers, but I am offering the set-apart, confidential, and safe place to ask the questions and maybe, just maybe, shed some light on how to live in the mix of them all. I am offering good conversation, a listening ear, perspective, discernment, and direction on your behalf.
I am offering truth-filled conversation, one Renegade to another.
Interested? Compelled?
Ask the hard questions. State them out loud. Tell the truth. Once you do, everything changes. And life is lived.
Sometimes we just need to start. Let’s have the conversation. You and me.
Conversation between Renegades
60 minutes of wide open, no-holds barred questions, truth-telling, riffing, and renegading. No judgment. No limits. No end to the possibility of what happens when good conversation occurs. (In my experience, it changes everything.)
Introductory price: $50.00
Click here to schedule Conversation between Renegades. Or email me for more information (ronna@ronnadetrick.com).
You and me. ‘Can’t wait.
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Morpheus
